When all you have left are words
by 22114
Summary: Sara's gone, and Gil can't be with her. So he offers her the only thing he can. His words. This is Gil's diary, through Sara's eyes. GSR. We've reached the middle of season 5 on this walk down memory lane of GSR.
1. Gil's letter

Disclaimer: I own nothing. But I do love them :) 

Spoilers: Everything up to Christmas 2007 is fair game.

Summary: Sara's gone. Gil is alone. So he gives her the only thing he can. His word.

Rating: T

**When all you have left are words **

Chapter 1 – Gils letter

_Honey,_

_I know you said goodbye, but I can't. I'll never let you go. I won't. I know I haven't always been there for you, and I know I don't always say the right thing. But I do love you. And I know you love me. I know we've spoken on the phone, but it's hard for me to express the way I truly feel. I'm always left with a feeling that I should have said more._

_I love you, and I trust you. I'm sending you something I would never trust anyone else with. I never intended for anyone to read this. These are my feelings, my deepest darkest secrets, my fears, my needs, my desires. I wrote this for myself, but I need you to know. To understand. Words is all I have left now, it's all I can offer you. I want to hold you in my arms, to comfort you, wipe away your tears, but I can't. Know that if you need me, I'll drop everything to be by your side. Not only because you need it, but because I want to. You are the most important thing in my life. You always were. You always will be… _

_It's important that you understand that I didn't send you this to make you come back to me. Actually it's the other way around. I want you to read this so you'll know that you can stay there for as long as you need. And still know that I'll be here when you're ready to come back. I want you to read this so you'll know that you're special, and that you're loved. I'm hoping it will give you strength to go on. To find what you're searching for. I want that for you, honey. _

_I'm getting by. It's not easy but knowing that you love me makes it a little less hard. You don't have to call. You don't have to write. You don't have to do anything. My love for you is as unconditional as it is eternal. So I'll be here…_

_Please, be safe…_

_Gil._

She couldn't stop her tears from rolling down her cheeks as she folded the handwritten letter back together and unfolded the other pieces of paper that came with it. The paper was crumbled, but she recognized his handwriting. It was part of a diary…he had kept a diary…

The hotel room was dark and lonely. She pushed herself up against the headboard of the bed, dried her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater, and stroked her hand over the pages to straighten them out. Looking at the pages she saw the dates. It started when she arrived in Vegas. Then scattered dates throughout the years. It looked like he had ripped the pages from a book. From his diary, she thought... Then she started reading…

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TBC - It's always nice to hear if anyone cares to read more. So if you do, I'd appreciate a review.


	2. She's here

**A/N**If you're wondering what case/episode Grissoms talking about, check out the episode guide on grissomsararomance. Maybe you'll remember! There's been a lot of water under the bridge since season 1.

_Oct. 13__th__. 2000_

_Sara__ arrived today. I was out on a crime scene I finally heard the sound of her voice again. It's been a while. She's every bit as beautiful as I can remember. This thing with Holly… I don't know, I have a bad feeling about it. I don't know what happened. It's Sara's job to find out now, and I know she will. I just hope the truth doesn't destroy us. Warrick is a good man, but he's troubled. I want to help him, but I don't know how. Maybe I can't. Maybe no one can. It felt good to see her though. I've missed our talks. Maybe I've missed her a little more than I realized, maybe I've missed her a little more than I'd like to admit, even to myself. I'm glad she's here though. It's funny, but I feel like I've known her forever. I wasn't sure about asking her to come here, but the fact is that she's a great CSI, we'll be better because of her, and that's what matters. We need her. _

_Oct. 15__th__ 2000_

_They want me to take Brass' place. He's going back to homicide. He says it's fine, that he brought this on himselves, but I don't know. We've known each other for a while, and it doesn't feel right. And I'm not good with all that stuff, the politics, the paperwork… but I guess I don't have much of a choice right now. I know it's the best solution, at least for a while, until things settle down. I guess we'll just have to take it from there. I have a hard time seeing anything good coming from this tragedy. _

_Oct. 20__th__ 2000_

_So, we've worked our first real case together. It was a kidnapping. At least it looked that way. Turned out the victim was in on it, but somewhere along the line something went wrong and she ended up buried out in the dessert. Sara, she's brilliant, but she tries too hard sometimes. When we met at the forensic academy conference she made no effort to hide how much she wanted to impress me, and she did. In so many ways. Her questions were intriguing, and I found myself wanting to talk to her all the time. Those coffee "dates" were the highlight of my day, and I think she enjoyed it too. But she doesn't need to impress me anymore. I know now, she can be the best at whatever she sets her mind to. _

_Nov. 3__rd__ 2000_

_Tonight, __I road a rollercoaster. It's been a while. I hate it when I let a case get to me like this. But that kid… he killed his best friend, and he didn't even know it. He was just this average boy, could be anybody, he just made some bad decisions. That one night changed his life forever, and he'll never be able to take it back. A split second… you take one road instead of the other, and your life is over. I don't know who I feel worse for. Him or the boy he killed. They were both victims. This job, it gives me a chance to do good. To give people closure. I just sometimes wish that the truth was a little less horrifying…_

_Nov. 10__th__ 2000_

_I met Terrie Miller today. She's just as impressing as I thought she'd be. The woman is a genius in her field, and it was interesting to get a chance to talk to her in person. She actually let the tarantula walk on her arm. I haven't met many women who'd even consider that before. She gave our Jane Doe a face, and she left her phone number for me when she left. Maybe I'll call her. I don't know…_

_Nov. 17__th__ 2000_

_It was one of the most horrifying crime scenes I've ever seen. A family, slaughtered. In their home. In their beds. Sara didn't understand when I asked her to go with the little girl. I know she felt uncomfortable. She said she's not good with kids, but she is. She just doesn't know it. I saw her with that little girl… She never talks about having kids, having a family, but I hope she will someday. I don't want her to end up like me… alone, living for the job. I wouldn't change anything, and I'm happy in my own way, but for I want more for her. She deserves so much more._

_Dec. 8__th__. 2000_

_We were investigating the murder of a passenger on a plane today. I was in the lavatory, she was standing right outside, and for some reason the mile-high club came up. I guess I said something that gave her the impression that I was a "member", and she obviously is. She even told me the name of the guy. Ken Fuller. "Overrated in every aspect". Those were her exact words. I made her finish processing the enclosed space herself, her having first hand experience and all. The truth is, I had to get out of there. The though of her and me in there, doing what she had been doing with that guy, it was just too much. And I was afraid it was starting to show… I need to stop this. I've been thinking about her too much lately. For the last couple of weeks, I've been having these fantasies. It's stupid, I know, but I had no idea it would be this hard. Having her close, working with her every day; it's a blessing, and a curse. She's everything I've ever wanted, and the one person I can never have. I know I shouldn't feel this way about her, but as much as I try to stop, I just find myself discovering new things about her every day that I love. She makes me feel so alive, she makes me feel so young. But I'm not… I'm not. But I don't regret asking her to come. I'll never regret that. _

_Dec. 22__nd__. 2000_

_There are times when I'm glad I'm alone. Because the things people do to each other, to the people they're supposed to love, it just makes no sense. Every once in a while a case comes along, and it feels different. It gets to you no matter how hard you try to shut it out. It doesn't happen __to me that often. Sometimes I think I've been getting too good at shutting my feelings off. But I guess it's why I've been able to do this job for all these years. Most people quit after while, move on, but I've stayed. Sara, she's different. She feels so much. She feels for all the victims, and I hate seeing what that does to her. But I don't think she can do this job any other way. It's her weakness, but it's also her strength. I don't know how she does it… Our victim, she had all the signs of long time abuse. Old fractures, everywhere. And this case really shook her. Sara, she flew off the handle with the guy who had beaten our vic, and I had to pull her away from him. The look in her eyes, it scared me…They were so dark…_

_I can still hear her words in my head. "Do you want to sleep with me?" I probably looked like someone had just smacked me in the face. She hears the victims screaming at night… she feels too much… I'm afraid she won't last much longer if she doesn't figure this out. She needs to figure out how to let it go. She needs a diversion. The funny thing is that it was her words that cracked the case. …"under the blanket at night"… the blanket, that was it. She kept me company that night. We watched the decomposing pig together, and in a way we found each other again. We talked. Like we haven't done since San Francisco. __And I understand a little more. About her. Why she is this way. Why she reacts the way she does. I've missed her friendship. I'll try to hold on to it a little tighter. I need it…I think we both do…_

_Jan. 12__th__ 2001_

_I know she's mad at me, and I understand. But I didn't ask her to make a decision for me, I just asked for the facts. It's up to me to decide what to do with these facts. She doesn't know the whole story. She doesn't really know Warrick. I trust him. And I hope Sara trusts me… Maybe I can make her understand some day. __I know I'll take some heat for reinstating him, but I'm doing the right thing. I know I am… He told me he didn't go to the casino to gamble, and I believe him. _

_Feb. 1__st__ 2001_

_I knew this was a disaster waiting to happen when I took the case. To him it was a matter of life or death, and when I looked into his eyes, I couldn't say no. I don't trust people, I trust the evidence, but I saw something in his eyes that made me want to know what happened that night his family burned to death. And I definitely don't trust Ecklie, so that may have been a contributing factor too… Turned out Ecklie had overlooked a thing or two, no big surprise there, and he was less than pleased when we got his arson suspect out of jail. I know I shouldn't have said it, but I think I had reached my limit with that guy. He's been on my case since I came to Vegas, and enough is enough. Even for me. We got into a huge argument, and I believe my exact words were; "Ecklie, you're about as useful as a pecker on a pope!" I'm usually good with the quotes, but I think I'll stick to Shakespeare from now on…No need to say we will not become best friends any time soon. He stormed out of the room shouting something about making sure I'll be out a job before I could say unemployed entomologist, and I haven't talked to him since. I'm not too worried though. He shouts and screams and pisses on everyone who crosses his path, but he's not the one making the big decisions. He just likes to make people think he is…_

Sitting there in the darkness of her hotel room, Sara was almost startled when she heard herself laugh. Then she cried a little, and laughed some more. It was strange to read his words. She could almost her him speaking them. This was her best friend. Her lover. Her one and only. She thought back to time when she first arrived in Vegas… it felt like a life time ago. She decided to go pour herself a cup of tea before she continued.

TBC

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**A/N:** Hope you're not bored yet, of course things will get more interesting as the years go by. And I'll have to throw in another little disclaimer. I do not own the "Pecker on a Pope"-comment. That is all Robert Rodriguez (or Quentin Tarantino, or whoever wrote that particular piece of dialogue for Planet Terror.) I just loved it so much I had to borrow it for a little while!


	3. No one compares

Sara returned to the bed curling herself up against the headboard once more, placing her cup of tea on the nightstand. She drew her breath in hard before slowly releasing it, and letting it all out. It was so hard. Reading his words made her feel so close to him. She almost expected to feel his arms around her when she sunk down on the bed. But she didn't, and she missed him even more…

_Feb. 15__th__ 2001_

_We found bones in the desert. A lot of bones. I knew I should have just called her myself, but I really didn't want to see her. I knew it would be awkward. I called her after she was here last. I got her voicemail. "Hi, this is Terri…" so I left a message. When she never called me back, I was relieved. It's not that I don't like her, because I do, but she's just not… her. I've been doing this since the day we met at the conference. Comparing every woman I meet to her. I know I can't have her, and I was never one to settle for anything. So I'd rather be alone. Being with anyone else feels like telling a lie. Because she's the only one I've ever wanted._

_When Terrie showed up, courtesy of Catherine Willows, I freaked out a little. But we needed her expertise. Turns out putting a person back together when all you have is a pile of bones is not that easy. Even if you have a textbook explaining the human anatomy. I told her I was glad she was here, and it was true. When I bumped into her on her way out, I asked her to dinner. I didn't even think about it. The words just came out of my mouth. But it was nice. I had a good time, and it surprised me a little. I don't know why; she's beautiful and intelligent and we connect in a lot of ways. Just not that way. We could have been friends… but never lovers. I guess I was disappointed when I got the call from work. Part of me wishes it could be her. That I could care about her. Everything would be so much easier then. But it's not, and I don't. I never will…_

_Mar. 1st. 2001_

_I just don't know how to be there for Sara. It's always so hard for me to say the right thing. I hear it the second the words leave my lips, but I can't help it. And sometimes I hate myself for it. _

_Her name was… no, is, Pamela Adler. I know Sara will never forget, and neither will I. I think she remembers them all… Most of our victims are cold by the time we get to them. In many ways it's easier that way. This one was different. When I close my eyes, I can hear Sara's voice: "She's breathing…". I just wanted to pull her into my arms and tell it was going to be okay. I could see the mist forming in the corner of her eyes, and I heard the tremble in her voice. "She's evidence" was my way too cold response. I heard it, but I couldn't take it back. It was true, but it was not what she needed to hear. I failed her, again…_

_Later I found her in front of the computer, looking at missing persons reports. I don't know how long she'd been sitting there. Too long. She looked so tired. We meet people on the darkest days of their lives, and we can't go there with them every time. We can't make them all special. I tried to talk to her. I tried to make her understand, but she seems so angry. And I don't know how to get through to her. I'm so afraid she'll burn out, and we'll end up losing her. I'll end up losing her._

_She said she wishes she could be like me, and not feel anything. I wonder if she really believes that… if she does, God… she must think I'm cold. But what else can I expect, that's what I do. I hide my feelings as best I can, because I can't let anyone see what's in my heart. I guess I'm doing a good job at it then… I __thought that would make me happy, but in truth, it makes we want to cry. _

She knew she had hurt him when she spoke those words. She remembered it well. And thinking back now, she wished she hadn't said it. She knew it wasn't true, but in all honesty she had said it to hurt him. Maybe even get a reaction. But he hadn't responded. He just looked at her, and she saw it in his eyes. That he felt something, that he felt a lot. She just didn't know what. And he wouldn't tell her…

_Apr. 12__th__ 2001_

_It's ironic. How roles can be reversed… I told her a few weeks ago; No victim is special. I don't think I realized how completely wrong I was. Of course they are. They're all special. We just can't afford to see them that way. But this time I did, just like Sara does. This little child, wrapped up in a blanket, suddenly seemed very special to me. I guess I've been going a little crazy ever since we arrived at that family's house. It's always the cases with children involved that hits me the hardest. I guess most of us have it that way. They say it's harder for those who have children of their own. I wouldn't know. I'll probably never know…All I know is that it's hard. When I held that dead boy in my arms, everything felt wrong in the world. There's nothing more vulnerable than a child. An infant. One life completely in the hands of others. __So fragile… __There was nothing I could to do save that little boy, but I could find out what happened to him. The truth was what I have to offer him. It's not much, not nearly enough, but it's all I have._

As she read his words she could feel his pain searing through her body. Her tears fell on the paper sheet in front of her. She quickly dried it off with her hand, smudging the writing slightly. She had thought about having children before, and she hadn't been sure she wanted to. There was no doubt in her mind that he would make the best, most caring and devoted father in world. It was herself she was worried about…

_Apr. 19__th__ 2001_

_Telling a mother her son is dead. How do you ever prepare yourself for that… You can't. But I tried anyway. It's always different, but it's always horrible. He was deaf. He was born that way. He never knew what it was like to hear the sound of bees buzzing, or birds singing, or… music. He never got the chance to hear a symphony. He never heard the voice of someone he loved whispering his name. I'm scared. I know it's just a matter of time before I can start loosing my hearing too. Then maybe I'll never hear the sound of her voice whispering my name in my ear. The strange thing is that it felt good… signing. It's been a while since I've done it. I'm rusty, but it was nice. I felt closer to her. My mother. I'm so proud of her. She raised me on her own. She had so many obstacles to overcome, but she met them head on. She never complained. She never felt sorry for herself. _

_May 17__th__. 2001_

_I'm not usually territorial. I am__ not a cave man. But this was our case, and I needed to solve it. It's not that I didn't want help, I'd love the extra manpower, but the thing is that whenever the FBI comes rolling in, everything is turned into a circus. The case, the evidence, is suddenly placed in the back seat. And I had to catch this guy. "The Strip Strangler". The FBI with their nicknames and their fancy suits, and Rick "Slick" Culpepper, who cares more about how he looks on television than if the right guy is put behind bars._

_When Culpepper told me he was using Sara as bait to catch the killer, I panicked. There's no other way to explain it. She wanted to do it, of course… I don't understand. She's so smart, she's the best CSI I've__ ever worked with, and she does something like this. She's too impatient sometimes. I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't listen. Sitting there in the van outside the store, watching her, waiting for her to become his next victim, I don't think I've ever been more terrified in my life. So what if the place was packed with undercover police officers and FBI agents. It wouldn't matter if this guy panicked and did something stupid. It would all be over then… _

_I had a migraine. A bad one. They're all bad, but this was… I don't know._ _I'm not acting rationally when it comes to her. I've been off ever since all this started. And at the press conference, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. It was stupid, but I'd probably do the same thing again. I'm no politician. I'll leave it up to Cath to play that game. I wasn't really surprised when I got suspended, but I was surprised when the team came over. They stuck by me. Cath even passed on playing boss. I know how much she wants it. But she's a great friend. They all are. I don' think they know how much I appreciate them all. How could they. I should tell them, but for some reason I've never been able to express my feelings. I keep them locked up. I keep everyone at a safe distance. _

_It was Nick who called me with the last piece of the puzzle. The piece that led me to the killer. I talk about Sara being reckless, but I should never have done that. I didn't even think about. But there I was, face to face with him. If it hadn't been for Catherine, he would have killed me. She shot him. I put her in that position. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that. She took a life for me, because I was stupid. When I told her I was sorry, she told me something I'll never forget. She said; "Never doubt, never look back. That's how I live my life" And it is. I wish I was as brave as her. I doubt a lot of things. And when I'm old, I'm afraid I'll look back and regret all the things I never did. I'll regret not letting Sara in. I know I will. But I can't change that. I've made my decision, and I'll live with it. That's just the way it is, and in a way I've come to terms with it._

God, she had never really known just how difficult this had all been for him. How much he had wanted her. She had laughed at him when he had told Ecklie they got involved 9 years ago. She had always known that's when it started for her, but not for him. He had told her when they got together, but she never really understood. He had loved her all along. He just couldn't let himself go there. She looked over at her phone next to her cup of tea. She wanted nothing more than to hear his voice. To tell him that everything was going to be okay. She looked at the alarm clock and realized he was probably asleep after his night shift. She didn't want to wake him. She was cold, so she slipped under the sheets and turned over a new page.

TBC

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**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! And thanks for all the wonderful reviews. I'd love the hear what you think, and if you have any suggestions for me on how I can improve. And if you want more of course!! Have a nice day :)


	4. Lemons & Chalk

_Oct. 4__th__ 2001 _

_A girl went missing from her college dorm. She was leaving, we didn't know why… at first. The investigation drew more than one secret to the surface. Turned out she had been sleeping with her professor. He was married, had kids. He made me sick. I couldn't even look at him without having waves of nausea rushing through me. He was her professor, she was so young, and he took advantage of that. And she probably wasn't the only one either. What repulses me the most is that I… I know what it's like. I wanted to give in to it too, with Sara… But I didn't. If I had, I would have hated myself as much as I hate that guy. I wasn't married, and she was an adult, but I was still her teacher, and 15 years older than her. And now… I'm her supervisor, and I'm still 15 years older than her. And I will not be that guy…_

'No, Gil, you're nothing like that guy'…she thought to her selves. 'You never were and you never will be…' Sara had always known he had issues with the age difference. But she never imagined it ran this deep. 'God, Griss, we were both adults' she heard her selves mumble. But she understood his doubts. Because she knew how people would have talked if they had gotten together back then. It wouldn't have been easy, but neither was being apart. It had been harder than anything she ever imagined. Being so close to him, but never really being let in. She had forgiven him a long time ago, and now she understood a little more…

_Her body, the girl, was found at the garbage dumb. Life is unpredictable. It was a series of unfortunate events. She was leaving and went to throw out the trash. The garbage bin got stuck and fell down into the dumpster. She wanted her deposit for the room back, so she went downstairs to get it. She climbed in behind the dumpster to reach down and grab it when a car slammed into the dumpster pinning her against the wall. The injuries killed her, her body fell into the dumpster, and the garbage truck came and picked her up. That's what happened. The sad and simple truth. But it wasn't enough. I thought the truth was supposed to bring closure, but the parents, they needed more. They needed someone to blame. I don't get that. But then again, there are a lot of things I don't get when it comes to people._

_Oct. 18__th__ 2001 _

_We've worked a lot of cases together lately. Things are going better. Ever since that night out in the cold with the pig, we seem to be getting along better. It's easier. More relaxed. We're friends, and it feels good. I love working with her. Not just because I get to be close to her, but because I love watching her mind at work. I love how she can look at something and see the one thing no one else has discovered. It's one of the benefits of being the boss; I get to decide. I can pair her up with me whenever I want. But I've been doing it too much lately so I gave the decomp to her and Nick. I didn't know how bad it was until I heard someone talking about in the lab. Apparently it was a decomp in an enclosed space. Soup. Human soup. The smell will probably be stuck in the walls down there for weeks. The lemons will prevent it from sticking to them as well. I always keep fresh lemons in my locker. You never know when it might come in handy, so I tossed a couple into her locker. She's the only one who can come out of a morgue, smelling of human soup, and still make me wanna jump her bones. Yes, I'm an idiot. But I can't stop._

_Greg told me this guy came by to ask Sara out to dinner. But apparently he couldn't take the smell and ran out. What an idiot, he has no idea what he's missing out on…I don't say this often, but I have to agree with Greg; A real man wouldn't mind. It's going to happen though. Sooner or later, I know that. She's going to meet someone, and I have no idea how I'll handle that. But I will, I have to. All I want is for her to be happy, even if it's not with me…_

Sara shuddered under the sheets. She didn't really know if it was because she was cold or if it was from the though of Hank, 'the jerk', or if it was from the thought of the human soup. Probably a combination of all three. She though of the lemons she had found in her locker that morning when she was on her way home. She knew they were from him, even if he never said so. Lying there she could almost smell the fresh scent of the citrus blending in with the hot water that ran down her naked body. She remembered how she had fantasised about him being in that shower with her. Letting his hands run over her body, making her shiver with pleasure. She remembered how much she had ached for him to reach out to her, to touch her. Much like she did right now.

_Oct. 25__th__. 2001_

_I don't know where to start… Some cases are weirder than others. This was definitely something else. We started out with an apartment drenched in blood. It was nosebleed. Unbelievable, but true, nonetheless. It was the flies that lead us in the right direction. There were a few when we started processing, when we had finished they had multiplied. And flies don't feed on dry blood. It was Sara who spotted the vent. And it was Sara who told me to think outside the box. It led us to the apartment next door. The landlord, who happened to forget to mention his wife was missing._

_The beetles helped us further along. Greg found human DNA in one of them. So we started knocking down walls. After several hours all we had come up with was a blanket with blood on it. No body. And that guy was just standing there looking at us. I could almost feel my blood boiling in my veins. I just had to get out of there. I had to get some air. She followed me…_

…_I just keep reliving the moment in my head, over and over. I told her I was mad, and she asked me if I wanted to go for a walk around the block, to clear my head. I wanted to. So I said no. Like I always do. She was standing so close, and then… her hand came up and touched my face. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think, I just looked at her. She let her fingers brush against my cheek, and I never wanted the moment to end. Her scent pierced through my soul and I felt… like she was mine. Her eyes told me she was mine, and I wanted her to be. I felt like it was possible, that I could have her. She said it without speaking a word. I don't think it lasted more than a second, but it felt like an eternity. To me it was eternity. That one moment is locked away in my heart forever. "Chalk, from plaster". I think that's what she said. Her words jerked me back into reality. And all the anger and frustration I felt a minute ago, was gone. She took it all away with a brush of her hand. That's what she can do to me…_

'He felt it too…' she though to herself. She had never forgotten that moment. And she knew she never would. What happened between them was so simple and so innocent, but at the same time so incredibly intimate. He had stood there right in front of her, and she couldn't not touch him. It just felt right and she didn't even think about it. She just had to feel him. And when she looked into his eyes she could see his confusion, but she also felt wanted. She felt loved. She thought she had imagined it, but it was real. She still remembered exactly how he looked that night, in his scruffy overalls and the baseball cap. So incredibly handsome, and so intensely vulnerable…

_Once again it was Sara who led us to the solution. To the body. She told me to go wash up, and that's when I noticed. No hot water. So we found her in the basement, in a tank. It's always Sara. Maybe she's the solution to everything…_

_Nov. 1__st__ 2001 _

_I don't know when I stopped believing. I don't even know if I have. I believe in __a God. I believe in a lot of things, but religion, I don't know… I think we should all just live our lives to the best of our abilities. What else can we do really… I guess he's right about this being a vocation. It's certainly not about the money, and I could easily find a more comfortable way to earn a living. I'm good at what I do. But this time… I was wrong. And it cost that boy his life. I thought he had done it. I thought that's what the evidence told me, but it's never just the evidence, is it. There's the person interpreting the evidence, me... And I was wrong. He took his own life in that cell. The cell I put him in for something his brother had done. I tried to help him but it was too late. His blood was on my hands…_

_Nov. 8__th__ 2001 _

_I met someone interesting today. He was a witness at a crime scene. __Autistic. He was in love, and something he said got me thinking. In many ways, he was a lot like me, and he too liked quotes… I told him I like order. Because it's true. He told me he likes order too. He told me that's why he was so afraid to love, that it scared him…_

_He quoted Proust: "Then must you not speak of those who loved wisely, but too well" _

_People treat him like he's stupid because of his handicap. He's not. He's just different. But then again, aren't we all really… _

_Nov. 15__th__ 2001_

_Lady Heather… A dominatrix was found dead in a sandbox. It led us to Lady Heather's house. Our victim worked there. I've never paid for sex. I will never pay for sex. __Not because if some moral conviction, but because it seems sad to me. But that place fascinated me. It's like a theater. Being in there was a study of human nature. And Lady Heather, she intrigues me. When she invited me for tea, I accepted. I wanted to learn more about her, and about her business. She's intelligent, and I'm ashamed that that surprised me. _

_She told me my biggest fear is being known. I think she reads people well, she proved that by the way she read that picture of the husband and wife. But she's wrong about me. My biggest fear isn't being known, it's never being known, by anyone…That scares me more than anything…_

'I know you Gil'… Sara's whisper was deep and slow. 'I know you'… as she said the words she realized that he was the only person who really knew her as well. She had never revealed herself to anyone else. He had been the only one she had ever wanted to give her heart to, and she had kept it to herself until he was willing to accept it. His biggest fear would never be realized, because she knows him better than he knows himself.

_Dec. __7__th__ 2001 _

_It was a bad time to go away. I left Warrick in charge when I went to the entomology convention. He did good, I knew he would, but I wish I had been here. Jim's daughter, Ellie, she got into trouble. Well, she's been in trouble for a while. When he talks about her I feel so helpless. The hurt in his eyes, I can't do anything to help him. I listen and he tells me it helps, but it's not much. I should have been there for him now, but I wasn't. Warrick told me she walked up to him and spit on his badge. Jim didn't tell me that when I spoke to him. I guess it was just too hard. He hasn't always been there for her, but he's a good man. And I know he has tried. It's just never enough. He looked ten years older when I saw him tonight, he looked beaten. __I'm worried about him…_

_Dec. __20__th__ 2001 _

_I've been working this case with Sara. I didn't realize at first why she was acting a little off. I didn't understand until I heard her conversation with the suspect. He said he liked the victim. That she was nice. __Sara's response sent a chill down my back: "She was vulnerable, no social life, no friends, not even a cat. All she had was her work…" It didn't hit me until that moment. This could have been Sara, she saw herself in that woman. And I don't think she liked what she saw…I think it scared her. _

_When we were in the victim's apartment we went through her e-mails. We found one she had written to our suspect. Sara read the first line out loud: "I know it sounds weird but my life began when I first heard your voice…" And we looked into each others eyes, I looked for too long. I couldn't stop. I wanted her to say that to me, I wanted it to be true. Every now and then I slip up, I touch her hand when I give her a slip of paper, I stand too close to her when we talk, I look at her and I forget to stop. I watch her too long, and someday, someone will notice._

'Wow' she though to herself, 'and here I was thinking I was the one who always invaded his space. Thinking I was the one who stole too many glances. I never realized he did it too…' There were times when she though she caught him gazing at her, but she convinced herself it was wishful thinking. Because she never imagined he would ever love her back.

TBC

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**A/N **Okay… we're in the middle of season 2. I've been watching a lot of CSI lately, and it takes time. So I hope you understand that it takes me a few days to update. I am enjoying my little "stroll down memory lane of GSR" so much (to put it in the words of **CR1-GSR**), and hope you are too.

I just want to thank you all so much for reading. And I'm sure you know I'd love a little review :) I can't make you happy if you don't let me know what you like!


	5. Vegetation & Beauty

_Jan. 16__th__ 2002 _

_We found another one. The suicide was staged just like the two previous ones. He was born aug. 17__th__ 1957. I know he's telling me a story, but I just can't seem to put the pieces together. The evidence isn't really evidence, everything is part of his game. What is he trying to tell me… I knew they would figure it out sooner or later. My birthday. I have never announced it, but Catherine knows. And tonight she remembered. They think I'm next… I don't know, I have a feeling it's something else. It's a puzzle and I just have to figure it out… _

She had known too… Not just Catherine. She had always remembered his birthday, long before she gave him his first birthday present. Sara sat up on the edge of the bed, and let her bare feet slip down to the carpeted floor. She would never forget just how scared she had been back then. And she couldn't let it show. She couldn't tell a soul that she was terrified. All she could do was breathe in and breathe out, and try to go on. She had actually prayed. She couldn't remember doing that since she was a child. Before everything happened. She knew the others were worried about him too, but not like she was. When she came home that morning she vomited. She had always known she may never have him, but the thought of loosing him was unbearable. And it still made her sick just thinking about it… She brought the pieces of crumbled paper with her to sit in the chair by the window. She looked out into the horizon. He was out there…

_Feb. 7th. 2002 _

_She walked into my office and gave it to me like it was nothing. A request for a leave of absence. "6 months, a year maybe…" She said it like it didn't mean a thing. When we both knew it meant everything. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And as usual I acted like an idiot… I actually laughed at her when she said she wanted to check out the Federal Government system. Or maybe it was more like a snort. It was bad. It was so bad… She said she needed a different work environment, one with communication, and respect. I guess I asked for it. It's my fault, I know. I can't believe I said that to her. "The lab needs you". I need her for God's sake! "I need you. I need you." That's what my heart was screaming at her, but my brain refused to let the words come out. And now, she's leaving. I hate myself for letting her think that I don't respect her. Because I do. More than anything else, I respect her. But she's right, I haven't acted like it. I know she's a vegetarian. Of course I do. But she was standing so close to me. When we were standing over that chunk of meat, we were so close…her breast was brushing up against my arm. I felt the heat of her body through her clothes, and I had to get out of there. Fast. Of course I know she's a vegetarian. I know a lot of things about her… more than I should. _

_Catherine came over tonight. She wants to help, and she's a good friend. She wants me to be happy, but I don't know if that's even possible. She doesn't understand though, she thinks I've been burnt. That that's the reason why I am this way. But I haven't. The truth is I've never let anyone come close enough for me to get burnt. I sent her a plant. It's not enough, I know, but it's all I can manage right now. I want to go over to her. Explain it to her, but how can I when I can't even explain it to myself…_

Sara couldn't help but smile when she thought about the plant. "From Grissom". That's what the card had said. She didn't really know why she had stayed. It was nothing really, it was a plant. But from him it was everything. He could have sent flowers, but he bought a plant. He reached out. And she decided to stay. She wanted to go, she wanted to tell him to go to hell, she wanted to give up on him, but her heart wouldn't let her. It never would. So when he called her on the phone the day after, she had told him she had changed her mind. It was the best decision she had ever made.

_Feb. 9__th__ 2002_

_She's staying… I called her last night. To ask her something about this case we've been working. Of course, that's not really why I called. I wanted to ask her to stay. I was going to ask her to stay. But before I managed to work up the courage she asked me to throw away her request for a leave of absence. She said she had reconsidered. I didn't know what to say, so we were just quiet for a while. Until I managed to force out a silent "thank you". It was almost a whisper, and at first I wasn't sure she had heard me. But she had. "Okay" she whispered back. It was a silent agreement. I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't know what she expects. I'm not sure what I expect of myself…I just know that I want her stay, right here, with me…_

_Feb. 28__th__ 2002_

_Oh God… I can't believe I did that... I didn't even realize that I had done it until I felt her eyes piercing through me. My brain always comes out on top when it comes to her, but this time, I guess my heart won. Because before I knew what was happening I had said exactly what my heart had always wanted to tell her. That she is beautiful. We were sitting there, looking out on the ice. My guard was down. We were talking about baseball. It is a beautiful game, but compared to her, everything seems bleak. "Since I met you". The words were out there before I even finished thinking them. It was the truth._ _When I first saw her, I realized that I'd never truly seen beauty until that moment. When she walked into the room and sat down, I knew. She was the most beautiful thing I would ever see. I just wasn't planning on telling her that, not now anyway. I don't have the right to tell her that. I know I'm confusing her, but I don't know how to stop. I push her away only to pull her in by doing something like this. It's not fair to her. The last thing I want is to hurt her. Somewhere along the line I started loving her, and I don't know how it happened. All I know is that I can't stop. I don't know why I said it. Maybe it's because I just realised how easily she could be gone, or maybe I'm just tired of pushing her away. I'm glad she stayed. I'm glad she didn't take the leave of absence… it wasn't just a plant, but I didn't expect her to understand that. She did though. It was enough, at least for now. And I'll take whatever I can get with her, because even if it's hard, being without her is harder._

'Until that moment, I had always felt ordinary', she thought to herself. He had caught her completely off guard. And he looked so unfazed by it all. He just went on like nothing had happened. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. Those four simple words took her breath away, and she had believed him. She had never doubted that he meant it. It was one of those fragile straws he had handed her, and that she would bee clinging too for the next few years. Hope…

_Mar__ch 28__th__ 2002_

"_They do their jobs, then we do ours." I think Greg got a little more than he bargained for, but he did all right.__ He did good. It was his first time in the field, and I know a lot of people who couldn't have handled it. I know he thinks he messed up, but he didn't. He froze, but he worked through it, and that's what makes all the difference. We're all scared, we're all affected by it one way or another, but we work through it. We deal with it. And he did. I think he's thinking about it, making a change. He wants more. I'll support him if he makes that decision. He could be a good CSI, if that's what he wants. _

_May 2__nd__. 2002_

_Self-preservation. It's a powerful drive. It keeps us alive. It's instinct. But it can also be our downfall. He was young, he was a lawyer, he had what others would have killed for. What many have killed for… Now, he has nothing. The things people are capable of… He hit a guy with his car. It was an accident. But that's when self-preservation set in. He saw his entire career go up in smoke, he saw his future in ruins. So he did what he had to do. He drove the car home with the victim hanging through the window. He was still alive. He was bleeding. He was dying, slowly. He left him there for 2 days, before he finally drew his last breath. Then he buried him. But some secrets can never be buried deep enough. They're destined to resurface. It was the lye who gave him away. And now, there is no lie in the world that can save him. Self-preservation…We all do it. I know I do. But sometimes I can't help but think that it's causing more pain, than it's doing good. At least when it comes to her._

_May 25__th__ 2002_

_I was at the doctor's office__, waiting, when I got the call. Part of me was relieved. I'll reschedule. She was bulimic and anorexic. We found little plastic bags of vomit. When that wasn't enough she started cutting herself. It was her release. Unfortunately, it was also her death. She looked like she had been tortured. She did that to herself. Sara cracked her code. She wasn't even. Control and perfection. She could never get even. She counted calories, seeking a perfect formula to take her pain away. Only it didn't work, because if it's one thing I've learned in life is that we'll never brake even. And the one thing she needed to survive was what ended up killing her._

_I talked to her sister. She said y__ou never know what you need until you find it. And I guess that's true. Or until you lose it…_

_May 28__th__ 2002_

_Obviously most of crime scene investigation is about seeing, but much of it is about hearing as well. Listening… knowing how to listen. Not just to what people are saying, but to how they say it. How their tone of voice matches their facial expression or body posture. So, even if I read lips and know what they're saying, it's not enough. _

_I went to the doctor today. I have it. But I knew that already…I'm going deaf. There's no way to tell how long it will take, but it's happening…_

It was getting dark outside. She thought about all the things he had never shared with her. Even when they finally got together it was so hard for him to open up, to bare his soul to her. But he was doing it now. And it meant the world to her. She felt closer to him now than she had done in a long time, even thought they were miles apart. 'He trusts me… he really trusts me…' was her last thought before she drifted off into sleep clutching the handwritten pages in her hands.

**TBC**

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**A/N:** That was the last of season 2! Hope you're enjoying the ride. I never realized what a huge part of the show GSR has always been. Right from the start, it has always just been there. And the moments they've shared, even if they may have seemed unsignificant at the time, all meant so much. Thank you so much for reading. I love your reviews. They mean the world to me :) (I do believe the button is right down there, you just gotta give it a little poke... :)


	6. Moving on

Sara awoke to find the pages she had been holding in her hand spread across the floor beneath her. She had dropped them when she fell asleep. Her neck was killing her. Sleeping in a chair was obviously a bad idea. Not that she had planned to. In fact she hadn't slept that much at all the last couple of days. Her guilty conscience and her nightmares were keeping her awake. She didn't know what was worse…

When she bent down to pick up the pages her eyes dropped to the watch on the nightstand. She had slept for almost 3 hours straight. 'That must be a record since I left Vegas', she thought to herself. And for once she hadn't woken up sweating to the sound of her own screams. He always had that effect one her. He made everything better… he wasn't even there and still he managed to comfort her and relieve her pain. She gathered the pages and decided she wouldn't fall asleep again anytime soon. She walked over to her suitcase and pulled out his sweater. It was the blue one that said Hope Athletics. He used to wear it around the house, when it was just the two of them… She knew he would miss it, but she needed something of his with her. She had taken it from his drawer when she left that day, and she was glad. She needed to feel him on her skin, and when she pulled the sweater over her head the smell of Gilbert Grissom poured right into her soul. She settled back in the chair and let her hand swipe softly across the pages, as if they were are part of him. And in a way they were… His heart was in every one of his words, and she loved him for trusting her with it.

_Oct__. 3__rd__ 2002_

_I'm tired... Th__e last couple of days have been hard. It was a high profile case, so I knew it would get rough, but I didn't expect this. I thought I knew Philip. And I though he knew me. I was wrong on both accounts. He was my mentor, I looked up to him… almost like a father, he taught me so much, and seeing what he has become breaks my heart. He came here to put us under the microscope, and when you look that closely you will find errors. Every time. Because we're only human. But he didn't care about the evidence, he only cared about ripping me and my team to shreds. He only cared about getting his client off the hook, whatever the cost. And the cost was his integrity. I hope I'll never sell out like that. Catherine once said that we all have our price…I hope she's wrong. But I know that most of have that one thing in our lives we would sell our souls to the devil for. Even me… But to sell your integrity for cents and dimes, I will never understand that…_

_I feel empty. I'm trying to tell myself that it's because of Philip and this case, but it's not. It's because of her. She finally moved on…__. I knew this day would come, but just like I feared, I'm not ready. I probably never will be. __Hank… That's his name. I hate that I care. I hate that I don't want her to be with anyone else. I hate that I want her to be with me. I hate that the thought of anyone else touching her makes me physically ill. I hate that I feel betrayed. Because it's selfish. I'm selfish. And I have no right to want her for myself. I can't make her happy. And still, I can't find it in my heart to be happy for her when she finally moves on, when she finally gets a life. Just like I told her to. I hate myself for hoping it won't last._

_I had no right to be hurt, I had no right to be angry, but I was. I am… And I think she saw it. Sometimes I feel like she can see right through me. And that scares me more than anything, because she can't possibly like what she sees in there. I didn't think I had it in me… jealousy. The most selfish feeling in the world, and I know I have no right. I hope she believed me later when I told her she deserves to have a life. I meant it, but that didn't make it any easier to say the words out loud. She had dressed up for court, and I told her she looked nice. That wasn't entirely true. She looked beautiful, she always does. _

Sara couldn't hold back her tears when she realized just how much her relationship with Hank had plagued him. She knew she had no reason to feel bad, but it didn't matter. The though of hurting him, hurt her. She remembered the look in his eyes when he found out. He was wrong, she couldn't see right trough him. Sometimes she had no idea how he felt or what he thought. And she wasn't sure at the time what the look in eyes meant. She had seen a well of emotions in him, but before she had time to figure it out, he had closed up. He shut her out again. She thought it would always be that way, and that was the reason why she had tried to move on in the first place. Self-preservation again…

_Oct. 3__rd__. 2002_

_I never meant to treat her badly, but still, here I am, making her feel __guilty about living her life. I had promised myself to let it go, to be her friend. But when she told me why she was late, that she had been at a vineyard in Pahrump, with that guy, I just couldn't take it. I don't want to hear his name, I don't want to know where he takes her, and I don't want to think about her in someone else's arms. I can't stand the though of him with her. I can hear my own words ringing in my ears. "You're on your own". "Solo". The double entendre was not lost on her. I regretted my words the minute I saw the hurt and anger in her eyes. I am the cause of all her pain…_

_I didn't expect her to stop by my office on her way home today, but she did anyway. __She said goodnight, and I said "Goodnight Sara"… I love the way her name feels in my mouth. I could say her name forever. When I looked into her eyes, I couldn't find any of the anger I saw there earlier, just a hint of sadness…I knew she wanted me to say something, but all I could think of was the words I can never speak to her. So I waited, until she smiled at me and started to walk away. It wasn't a genuine smile, it was a smile of resignation. She seems tired. Out of instinct I called out to her… "Hey, nice work on the high school case"… That was the best that I could do. As usual I hid behind work, neutral ground, where I feel safe. And as usual she was the one who brought us further. She's confused. I confuse her. That's what she said. I tell her to get a life, and then when she isn't there for me at a moments notice, I do this to her. I make my problem hers. If I don't figure out how to deal with this, I know I'll lose her. For good. She will be out of my life forever. I have to get it together…I wish I was brave like her…_

_Nov. 7__th__ 2002 (The execution of Catherine Willows)_

_This case is getting to me. The blue paint. There's a murderer out there, and I can't stop him. __He's smart. And he's going to kill again. It bothers me to think that this guy might be smarter than me. He's a predator. He's hunting these girls. Setting his trap and waiting for his prey. And there's nothing I can do about it. Until he makes a mistake. I don't like leaving puzzles unresolved…_

_Dec. 5__th__ 2002_

_I went on a date last night. It's been a while. Not since Terri actually…It ended the same way too, with a call from Brass. I guess it's just not meant to be. And that's fine really. Because it didn't feel right. There will be no second date. And there will be no more first dates either. And if I never get over Sara, then that's just the way it's going to be. Going out with other women is definitely not the answer. I wonder what people would think of me if they knew. What Sara would think of me if she knew that I haven't had sex with anyone since I met her. That I haven't wanted to. That I haven't even fantasized about anyone else since that day… _

_In a way we seem to have settled back into our old routine__. We work together, we talk, we even flirt, we're friends again. I'm holding it together, and she seems happy. I hope she is. I love spending time with her, even if it's on the job, so I'll make it work. _

_Human nature… Not much different from the beast is it. This case was a reminder of that. __Mob mentality is a dangerous thing. Last night it cost a cab driver his life. He hit a boy with his car, and stepped out to check on him. But when he went back to the car, the beast was born. A mob. They thought he was going to run, when in fact he was reaching for his radio to call for help. They attacked him, and beat him to death. Not one of them stopped to think about what was happening. In the blink of an eye, they all turned into murderers. _

Sara remembered the case well. She remembered the boy who was hit by the car and his little brother who would spend every day until his 21st birthday behind bars for killing his mothers boyfriend. And she remembered the mother who lost both her sons and her beloved all in one day. She also remembered Gil, standing by the crime scene tape, telling her he needed her. He was short on CSI's, so he pulled her from a forensic anthropology seminar. "I need you"… she could still hear his voice in her head when she closed her eyes. When she looked into his eyes, and saw that quirky smile, how could she not forgive him. She had wanted to say it back, before she remembered that she had moved on. But the truth was she never really did. She tried so hard, so many times, but she never really did. Her heart was right there with him, even when she thought he didn't want it.

_Dec. 12__th__ 2002_

_My hearing is getting worse__. I don't know what to do… I've been having these episodes. All of a sudden it's gone. For a few seconds, maybe even minutes, I'm deaf, there's nothing, and all I can think about is if this is it. Is this the time when it doesn't return. I went to see the doctor, and she thinks I should consider surgery. I don't know what to do… Ostosclerosis. I must have read every article available on the subject, but I still don't know what to do…_

Sara could feel a chill going down her spine. She hated the though of him going through that all alone. She wished she could have been there for him. He hadn't told a soul, and she knew better than anyone how it was to be all alone. She had been alone most of her life. It wasn't until she met him that she was able to a see the possibility of future with someone. Together instead of alone. She had wanted that more than anything.

**TBC**

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**A/N:** All right, not sure how you feel about this chapter. I struggled so hard with it… But I guess that's just the way it his sometimes. We hit a brick wall, and all we can do is try to smash through it. I'm hoping I've at least made a little hole in it, and that the next chapter will be easier. If you wanna help, take your sledgehammer and hit that review button. I could use a few words of encouragement!

**A/N 2:** Thank you all so much for reading. I hope you know how much it means to me! Last part of season 3 is up next, which includes Lady Heathers Box and Play with Fire, so it could get interesting... Hope to see you there!


	7. LH & The Big Bang

**A/N:** Hey guys. Just wanted to let you know that I got myself a beta. Big thanks to Butterflies'n'Pickles for plucking away my mistakes. And if there are still some, they're probably all mine since I made a few changes in the last minute.

**Disclaimer:** Haven't written one since I started the story, but if anyone forgot, I still don't own them. Only in my dreams...

**Warning: **This chapter contains "Lady Heathers Box". It was hard to watch at first, but this is how I think he felt about her, and what happened. And it's not so bad...

XXX

Sara didn't realize how hungry she was until she heard a deep growl coming from her stomach. She hadn't even thought about food since she opened his letter, and many hours had passed since then. She smiled when she though about what Gil would think if he knew. He would give her a hard time about not taking care of herself, and then he would probably go into the kitchen and whip something together for her. He was the only man who had ever cooked for her… She loved watching him in the kitchen. Just the though of him walking around in there, barefooted, in his jeans and a t-shirt with the little kitchen towel over his shoulders, making her an omelette… it made her heart ache... God, how much she missed him. It was the everyday things; like snuggling into him on the couch while watching a bad Godzilla-movie, or having breakfast together in silence after a rough shift, or waking up next to his warm body in the afternoon… she missed it all, even the arguments and his annoying habits. She hated being away from him, but there was no other way. And he understood… She decided to go get something to eat soon, just a few more pages… As she started reading she couldn't almost hear his voice inside her head. And she never wanted him to stop talking to her…

_Jan. 30__th__ 2003_

_I guess they all see me that way… Like a robot, incapable of feeling anything. I know this case was hard for Warrick, but he was out of control. He let his emotions get in the way of his work, and he blew it… I should have pulled him off the case earlier. This case hit way too close to home for him. I should have seen it coming. It's my job, I'm his supervisor, so I guess that means I blew it too. And now, a family who has already lost so much, has to pay for our mistakes. I keep seeing that little girl lying in her bed. She looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping… but she'll never wake up. Aimee Phelps… I want to forget, but I know I won't. _

_Feb. 6__th__ 2003_

_We haven't really talked that much lately, me and Sara. But I'm glad she confided in me again. She trusted Melissa, she thought they were friends, she though she knew her… Just like I thought I knew Philip Gerard. When we were in the locker room, she told me about how she confronted Melissa with the evidence in the hospital room. It's ironic… Melissa used Sara, she knew that out of everyone here, she's the one who would find the truth. What she didn't know is that she would live to face the consequences. "You think you know someone…" Sara said, and I've never heard her voice so lifeless and tired… "I never think that" I answered her. I'll never forget her eyes when she looked up at me and asked: "Ever?" I didn't know what to say, and I didn't want her to see the truth in my eyes, so I looked away. I do think I know her, but it scares me to admit it. Because I know I'm setting myself up to be hurt. She's lonely, in many ways she's like me. The only difference between us is that she has the guts to reach out, and I… I'm trapped inside my cocoon. And I don't know if I'm more scared that someone will finally brake it open, or that I'll be stuck in here alone forever…_

Sara remembered their conversation in the locker room well. She had been tired, and full of disbelief. Her friend had turned out to be a killer. She had murdered her husband. She said he had abused her, and it was probably true, but that was no excuse. She should have found another way out. In a way what Melissa had done was even worse in Sara's mind than what her mother did all those years ago. She had killed her husband, Sara's father, in a moment of despair and fear for her own and her children's life. Melissa, she had planned it. She had walked up to him and shot him in cold blood when he was sleeping on the couch… Secrets eat people up from the inside. No one knew that better than Sara, and it had made her think about her own past. She had exposed Melissa's secret, and part of her had wanted to expose her own to someone… To him… But at the time she couldn't do it. Even when he was there for her, she had felt this distance between them back then. He always kept her at arms length, careful not to let her too close.

_Feb. 13__th__ 2003_

_I just want so badly to be able to touch someone, to be touched. I'm tired of being lonely. And somehow, I feel like Heather understands me. She knew about my hearing loss, and I didn't have to say a word. She understood. I'm surrounded by investigators, and not one of them has seen it. Sometimes I don't think they really see me at all. They have no idea as to who I am. It's my own fault, I know… I've put up walls… but I'm so tired of being lonely. I used to want it that way, but lately it's been tearing me up inside. I feel empty, like there's a big black hole inside me getting bigger and bigger. Heather, she surrounds herself with people, but I think she's just as lonely as I am. When we were standing there, at her house, so close… I could see it in her eyes. _

_I'm losing my balance… When I told her she didn't understand what I meant. I know who I am, it has nothing to do with that. And I know __Heather knows who she is. The thing is that life has always been easy for me. I've worked hard, I've known what I've wanted and I've gone after it. And it got me where I wanted to be in life. But then Sara came along and threw everything off balance. She's made me question my choices. She's made me realize that what I thought mattered the most, really doesn't matter at all. And so it is, I'm losing my balance... I know what I want, it's her, it's Sara, but I have no idea what to do about it. I feel lost, and I keep looking for comfort in the wrong places. I felt it the moment my hand touched Heathers face, that that was not where I wanted to be. I care about her, I do, I feel like I can share a little piece of myself with her and still be safe. I don't understand how she can live her life like that, do the things that she does, but I don't judge her. And she doesn't judge me… I'm sure she has her reasons, and who am I to question them. But I knew it the moment my fingers touched her skin that I could never go there with her… because I could never love her. As much as I needed to feel something, as much as I wanted to numb the pain, I knew it would only have made things worse. When I held her face in my hands all I could think of was Sara… it's crazy, but it felt like I was betraying her. I must be losing my mind… I've never kissed her, I've never told her I care, I've never promised her anything, and still, I can't bring myself to be with another woman… I feel like I'm going crazy. No one has ever made me feel the way she does. Just being in the same room with her turns me inside out. I never knew what it was like to be in love until I met her. And if this is what she does to me from a distance, what would it do to me if I took that chance, and lost her. I don't think I could do that. But I can't go on like this either. So where does that leave me… Alone, looking for something or someone to ease the pain, failing miserably…Because the only one that can fill the emptiness in my heart… is her._

_It was almost morning when I came to Heathers house __last night, so when she offered me to stay for breakfast, I accepted. That's when she told me she's a diabetic. The pressure syringe, the mark on our DB's arm…Reality hit. I hated having to call Brass for that warrant, I could see the hurt in her eyes, but I had no choice. I tried to apologize, but she's right, what are words anyway… Nothing, if you can't back them up with evidence… and I couldn't…I'm losing my balance, I never should have let her get that close. I don't do this, I don't let my personal stuff get in the way of work, but lately… I have no idea what I'm doing. _

_When I drove around tonight I ended up outside Heathers house. I was just sitting there__ in the car, thinking, trying to figure out what to do about all this. I have no idea. I feel bad about hurting her. I let my emotions cloud my judgement, much like I gave Warrick a hard time about just a few weeks ago. I let Heather pay the price for my inability to admit my feelings for Sara. That wasn't right… But then again, I can't seem to do anything right these days… I keep telling myself that I'm pushing Sara away for her sake, that it's for her own good, but it's just as much about me. I'm afraid of getting hurt, so I hurt her. We've been doing this dance for a while now, and it's not doing any of us any good. I want to stop, but I don't know how. How do you change who you are, who you have been for 50 years. How do you tell someone what you've never told anyone else, how do you give someone your heart and trust them to never let it go. I don't know if I'll ever figure it out…_

Sara just sat there for a while staring at his handwriting, as though she couldn't really understand the words. She had never really understood his relationship with Heather. She had never been sure what it was. Was it friendship, was it love, was it sex… She had never known, but she had spent more than a few waking nights wondering. Especially after they got together, and the death of Heather's daughter brought her back into Gil's life. She hadn't understood the nature of their relationship and it had scared her. He had reassured her many times that he had never loved Heather, that it was something else, but he was never able to put it into words and explain it to her, and that had scared her even more. Now, the pieces were falling into place. He was lonely, and if anything that was something she could understand. 'She was to him what Hank was to me…' she thought to herself. 'He was looking for comfort, he wanted to move on, he wanted to numb the pain, just like I did…'. But it hadn't worked. For any of them…

_March 13__th__ 2003_

_Catherine came over tonight. She used to do that all the time, but we seem to have drifted away from each other lately. I cooked, she talked, just like the good old days. It was nice. I've actually missed our time together. I guess she needs someone to talk to after Eddie died. It's been a lot harder on her than she likes to admit, and I'm glad I can be that person to her. There were so many unresolved issued between the two of them, and she has a hard time letting go. She's so angry at him, and it's difficult to be angry with the dead. They don't fight back, and they don't give any answers. _

_She told me about Sara. About how that guy, Hank, hurt her. He already had a girlfriend. I can't believe why anyone would do that to someone th__ey're supposed to care about. It makes me sick to think about how lonely she must feel right now. Within a month she finds out that her friend has lied to her and used her, and her boyfriend wasn't really her boyfriend, but that she was his mistress. He didn't deserve her. She doesn't deserve this. But life has never been fair… I feel ashamed, because part if me is happy that it's over. That he can't put his arms around her and kiss her anymore. That's a horrible thing to feel, but I can't help it… _

It was difficult for Sara to describe how she had felt when she found out about Hank and Elaine. She had been hurt, but she hadn't been devastated. She just felt empty… And so alone. But then again, she had felt lonely when she was with him too. She had wanted it to work, she had wanted to be happy with him, but he was not who she wanted him to be. He was not Gil. She had been able to fool herself for a while, but she knew from the start that she would never love him. No matter how much she tried… She hadn't even been that mad at him, just sad… For Elaine more than anything. She had thought about telling her, but had decided against it. It was not her place.

_Apr. 3__rd__ 2003_

_I think Greg may be serious about getting out of the lab. He's been talking about it every now and then, loosely, but lately I get the feeling he really wants something more. I think he could do it. He's grown up a lot these last couple of years. Even though he still acts like frat boy sometimes, he's shown that there's a lot more to him than his pranks and silly jokes. He's smart, and I think he would fit in with the team. I think he's got what it takes…_

_Apr. 24__th__ 2003_

_The episodes are becoming more frequent. I'm having them daily now. I have to decide what to do, but part of me is just hoping it will go away. That maybe it'll get better. I know it's irrational. It's easy to be objective when you're a__t the other end of the microscope. I keep pushing it away, trying not to think about it. I'm running out of time, I know… And it scares me to death. If I lose my job, I really don't have anything left. I never realized just how sad that is until it became a possibility…I have nothing else. My work has become my life…_

_May 3__rd__. 2003_

_I've never heard anything so loud in my life. The whole building shook, like an earthquake. I didn't realize what had happened until I saw the lab. There was nothing left of it. I can't believe how anyone could survive that, but he did. I remember walking next to Greg when they carried him out on the stretcher. It was like a dream, a nightmare. I remember faces but no sound, just the bang and then silence. Like a dream. _

_I didn't think she was in the building when it happened. __She told me earlier she was going out. And when I saw her sitting on that curb, with cuts and bruises on her face, I felt another explosion. But it was inside my head this time. She was hurt. She had been there when it happened. She could have died right there, never knowing how I felt about her. It's all a blur. I remember walking up to her. I must have asked her if she was okay, because I know she said she was fine. But she wasn't. And neither was I. I guess I convinced her got to the hospital, she had a deep cut in her hand. It didn't look good, but she didn't even seem to notice. She looked lost, shock I guess…She could have died…_

'I was lost…', Sara though to herself. She didn't know how out of it she had really been, but she remembered hearing his voice and seeing the shape of his body as he crouched down in front of her. It was the first time he called her "honey", and she would never forget. She couldn't help but smile when she realized that he didn't know. He didn't even remember what he had said. It was one of those rare moments when he hadn't weighed every word before speaking to her. His guard had been down, and she had been allowed a brief glimpse into his heart. He cared about her… deeply… It had given her the courage to go to his office after shift, to ask him to dinner. But he had rejected her… It still hurt to think about it. She remembered it like it was yesterday. That was the moment she decided to stop chasing him. That enough was enough… That was the one thing she could be in control of in this situation, and she made the decision the moment she turned around and walked away from his office, from him… But she couldn't control her heart, and it would never allow her to stop loving him.

_I was sitting on the edge of my desk looking up the number for Dr. Roth when she walked in. She had the night off too. I __tried to talk to her about what she did, going into that crime scene before the cops had cleared it. She should have been on paid leave after the explosion, and maybe that played a part, she wasn't herself. But she didn't come to my office for a lecture, she came to ask me to dinner. I said no... Without explanation, just no. I think most women would have walked away after that, but Sara… she's not most women. She challenged me, she does that… "Why not?" A simple question, but it had no simple answer. Not one that I could tell her anyway. Why not… I told her the only thing I could tell her, and it was the truth. "I don't know what to do about this…" I do know one thing; if I go to dinner with her, if I take Sara Sidle on a date, I will never ever be able to go back. Because I don't have to take her out to know that she's the one. I don't have to take her out to know that I'll love her forever. I already know. But if I take her out, I'll give myself a glimpse of what my life with her would be, and I know I'll never be able to let that go. And then, if…no… when, she decides to leave, when I drive her away, how am I supposed to go on without her…If it's hard now, that will be a thousand times harder. And I don't think I'll make it…_

Sara had never really known why he turned her down that day. She had asked him about it, but he never really answered her. She had thought that maybe he didn't even know it himself, but he did. He had known exactly why he couldn't go to dinner with her… He had known himself well enough to see that if he crossed that bridge there was no turning back. And it was a step he was not ready to take. He had loved her too much, and he was sure she could never love him back when she really got to know him. He was sure she was going to leave once she saw who he really was. That it was just a crush, that it wouldn't last. What he hadn't understood was that it wasn't just a crush. That she had fell in love with him in San Francisco, and that she had loved him ever since. She knew all too well about his faults, his insecurities and his shortcomings. But it didn't matter. None of it made her love him any less. She had never expected him to be perfect, and she had known that it wouldn't be easy, but that hadn't changed the fact that he was all she had ever wanted in the world. He was all she would ever want…

_May 15__th__ 2003_

_Greg's back from the hospital. He's been back for a few days, but I haven't really had the chance to talk to him. I should have made the time. I went to see him in the hospital, but he was so out of it I don't think he even remembers. When I saw him in the lab today, I noticed his hands… they were shaking. He told me they had been doing that ever since the explosion. He can't make it stop… When I got home __that day, after the explosion, my whole body trembled. I couldn't sleep, I just sat there for hours, shaking. It still happens every now and then when I think about it, and the migraines have been worse lately. It's a natural reaction, it'll stop. I told him that, and it's the truth. But it doesn't make it any less terrifying. I feel so bad for him…_

_I probably should have taken myself off this case, I'm drifting. I'm here, but not really. Catherine knows__ about my hearing. She figured it out. I thought I didn't want anyone to know, but I'm actually glad. I told Doc too, well, I asked for his opinion as doctor. I had already made up my mind, but maybe I just wanted him to know, to be able to talk to someone about it. He told me I should schedule the surgery as soon as possible. I already had. I'm going in tomorrow, and I'm scared. But I'm relieved too… I have to do this, and I just want to get it over with. Whatever happens… happens. _

Sara wiped a tear away as she put the pages down in front of her. She could almost hear the sorrow and fear in his voice as she read his words. It had been a difficult time for both of them. It was so hard to read how much he had tortured himself with his feelings for her. How scared he had been. And she knew that she must have given life to all his nightmares when she walked out of his life leaving nothing but a letter. When she had declared her loved and said goodbye. She did it so that he didn't have to wait for her, to give him a choice. She didn't want him to feel like he owed her something. She couldn't take it if he waited for her out of guilt or pity or anything else. Except for love. That was all she wanted from him, and he had given it too her, in the shape of a diary… He hadn't even considered letting her go for a moment, and this was his way of telling her. He loved her that much… He always had, and she knew without a doubt that he always would…

She slipped into a pair of shoes, and put on a jacket. It was time to go out for something to eat. He would want her too…

**TBC**

**XXX**

**A/N2: **Like I said before, season 3 was DARK, and so har to write about. I'd love to hear what you all think went on in his head at this time, and I'd like to hear what you thought about this chapter. It became a lot longer than planned, and a bit "rambly" maybe, but that's the way it is. Hope you thought it was okay. I've love all of your reviews, and I'd love your thoughts on this...

**A/N3:** And for next time, season 4. We all know what that means right? "Invisible Evidence" and "Butterflied" is up next! Hope to see all of you there!!


	8. Second chances and shattered dreams

**A/N1 **Hey guys! So sorry, it has taken me forever to continue this. Life has gotten in the way and messed everything up, but I'm back on track. Hope you'll like it , and thanks again to everyone for reading! Know that it is appreciated :) And oh, this is another long one... Thank you Butterflies'nPickles for checking my spelling and throwing an idea at me every now and then :)

**CSI****GSRCSIGSRCSIGSRCSIGSRCSIGSRCSIGSRCSI**

After making herself and chewing down a big "Grissom-style" omelet and drinking half a carton of OJ way too fast, Sara settled back in the chair by the window. She felt closer to him there, looking out at the skies above. She picked up the pieces of paper flapping through them until she found the place she left off before she went out to get some groceries. She pulled her feet up in the chair, and let her eyes rest on his handwriting once again… She could almost picture him behind his desk in his office, pouring his heart out on a piece of paper…

_Sept. 25__th__ 2003_

_It felt good to be back… no, actually it felt great to be back. Really back. I felt like my old self again, only better. I don't know how to describe it really. It's like everything is a better version of itself now. The suns shines a little brighter, the shadows are not as dark and heavy, and what used to seem impossible seems… a little more possible. I'm lucky. I know that. I've been given a second chance. Most people aren't. My mother never got a second chance… I owe it to her to make the most of it. I'm thankful. I've spent far too much time worrying… I think it's time to accept the things that I can't change, and start changing the things that I can. I know it won't be easy, but at the very least, I'm going to make an effort. I haven't really done that before. I've been too caught up in my own fears to do any thing at all… I've made a lot of decisions based on fear, and out of all the reasons behind all our choices, that one is probably the worst. I'm sure I'll make mistakes again. I'll slip up, but I'll keep trying… _

Sara remembered when he came back after his surgery. He had seemed different... Happier. 'And even sexier…' she thought to herself as a smile crept over her face. He had grown a beard when he was away… She had loved it then, and she loves it now… She didn't know back then what he had gone through. He hadn't told her about the hearing loss and the surgery. But she could tell something had changed for him, that something had changed in him. He hadn't seemed quite so broken, like he was healing, and she had been happy for him. Because happiness was all she ever really wanted for him…

_Oct. 2__nd__ 2003_

_I hate guns… It's that simple. I don't like carrying one, and I hate the thought of ever having to pull that trigger. I don't want to take another persons life, no matter what. But that's not really relevant, is it… I shouldn't have gone to that crime scene unarmed. I put Catherine in a situation were she had to take another human being's life once, because of my stupidity. And it's time to stop this. I went to the shooting range today, but I know that's not the problem. My hands can handle the gun, the real problem is in my head. Jim had every right to be pissed off and he was. I guess we both were. There's something strangely cathartic about a good fight though. We've been friends for way too long to let something like this ruin that, and in a way it brought us closer again. We haven't fought like that for years... I don't know why I made this personal, this case, it's not like me to get ahead of the evidence. But there was something about that cop, Fromansky, he pushed my buttons, I wanted it to be him… Jim came over after his shift ended, and we shared a bottle of scotch. It was long over due. I told him about my surgery and then, we got drunk together. Maybe letting people in isn't such a bad thing…I've missed him. _

_Oct. 9__th__ 2003_

_An old woman was found dead in her own closet. Some burglars had locked her in, and just left her there. She had been there for a long time before she was found. She wasn't missed, by anyone… When I stood inside her closet, I put myself in her place. It was a lot easier than I'd like to admit. I imagined what her last days must have been like. Her last minutes. Slowly dying, knowing that the world is out there, millions of people, and not a single soul will miss you when you're gone. No one cares. Live alone, die alone… I guess it's that simple, and completely terrifying. I've been trying to tell myself that I'm changing, that that won't be me in 20 years, but I don't know if it's true yet…_

'That's not going to be you, Gil…' Sara thought to herself. 'You did it…you changed…She would miss him so much she wasn't even sure she would ever be able to gone on if he died. And he had friends that would miss him. They had a family now, people who cared about the both of them. People who loved them, who called to check on them, who never stopped caring no matter what. She knew he felt lonely right now, but she also knew that he wasn't alone. That their friends were there for him, all of them. If he only let them in… That had been one of her biggest fears when she packed up and left; that he would retreat, go back to who he used to be, and she knew she couldn't live with herself knowing she had done that to him… But when he put those pieces of his diary in an envelope with her name on it and mailed it to her, he put all her fears to rest. She couldn't think of a better way for him to prove his trust in her, in them. She left him, and there was a time when his only response would have been to put those walls back up, self-preservation… But instead he kept giving. Those weren't just words on a piece of paper. It was trust, and love and promise. It was him letting himself be vulnerable. It was unconditional love…

_Sara's case was__ so hard for her, for me too I guess. In a twist of faith it turned out that we were chasing the same guys. The same guys who left the old woman to die alone in her closet broke into another family's home and raped their daughter. A crime of opportunity. I don't get it. I don't get people. And I didn't get the girls father… at first. He asked me if I have a wife and children. When I said no, he told me I can't understand then. And I didn't…, until he explained it too me… He was ashamed… He had failed, he had failed to protect his daughter. The most important job of his life, and he failed. _

_We failed too, we weren't fast enough, not __smart enough, we couldn't get him before it was too late. When the girl couldn't pick him from the line up, we had to let him go. Sara was right; her reaction should have been enough. The girl broke down at the sight of him, but she couldn't say the words. She just couldn't do it… And we couldn't find the evidence, so when we released him, he killed her. She was found dead in her own driveway. No one could protect her. Not her father, not me. When my eyes met Sara's over that girl's dead body I felt completely helpless. She seemed drained, her eyes were completely empty. I did the only thing I could to help her. I started processing the scene as she walked away and got in the car. I will get him for this. For the dead girl, for her parents, for Sara, and for me…I have to._

Sara felt the lump in her throat grow bigger as she read those words. His handwriting was shaky, and almost unreadable at the last two sentences. It was one of those cases she knew would be with her forever. She still went to Suzanna's grave every year on the anniversary of her death. Her parents had separated about 6 months after her death. It had been too much for them to handle. The sight of Gil through the window of that patrol car, processing the scene, collecting evidence, was still etched into her brain. He had looked every bit as broken as she had felt, but he had kept going. He always did, and Sara had wondered many times where he found his strength. He kept his promise though, he got him. He never gave up, and he got him…

_Oct. 30__th__ 2003_

_Every now and then a case comes along that makes you… smile. I probably shouldn't, because a man died, but I do. I've heard about these conventions, but actually being there was just amazing. Our victim: "Rocky Raccoon". And best of all, there was no foul play. Just fur piles and "yiffing". But like Freud said: "The only unnatural sexual behavior is to have none at all." Which probably makes me more of a freak than all the "Rocky Raccoons" and "Sexy Kittens" of the world. Well, at least if you don't count jerking off in the shower thinking of a girl at work… Turns out Rocky Raccoon and Linda Lamb had a car fight. And Rocky ended up dead at the hands of a rancher who though he was shooting a coyote. I've never had a car fight… Catherine obviously has first hand experience with it. She has first hand experience with a lot of things. I guess I should take a page from her book. A girl once told me; "You can pick through a million lives, and never have one of your own." I told her that looking for things, analyzing them, trying to figure out the world, that's a life. But it's not, it's a living, but it's not a life. Maybe it's time for me to have one of my own…_

_Nov. __7__th__ 2003_

_I just got back from a road trip. Jackpot, Nevada.__ Let's just say it was… different. Twin Peaks comes to mind. Only Laura Palmer was a decapitated boy, and I was Kyle McLachlan. But the place grew on me, and so did the people there. I knew the Lieutenant was hiding something, but I was surprised when I found out exactly what. He was protecting Leland, his brother. His gay brother. I agree with him, no one should have to go through life ashamed of who they are. He had been carrying around this secret for his entire life. They both had. And for what… fear maybe... fear of being rejected, ridiculed, hated even. It's sad… I sometimes wonder what the world would be like if we didn't judge each other. If we all just lived… I guess we'll never know. The Lieutenant asked me as I was leaving if I never keep any secrets, even from my wife. He got the impression Catherine was my wife when we talked on the phone. That would be the day… Although I did consider laying a big one on her when I got back to see that she actually finished most of my paperwork while I was gone. But I think it's safe to say that we will never be anything but friends... I keep secrets too, just like them. We all do, some more than others. But like I told him, I'm trying to change… And I'm starting to realize that I like it. I like seeing the man I can be if I try. But it's a work in progress. Hopefully I'll get there one day, but Rome wasn't built in a day. And 50 years can't be torn down and rebuilt in a month... And that's okay, because I'm really trying this time. For me._

_Nov. 13__th__ 2003_

"_Pin me down". Those were her exact words. So I did. At first I didn't think that much of it. It was an experiment, I like experiments… But then… when I wrapped my fingers around her bare wrists and pressed her against the wall, it was like a bolt of electricity shot through my body. All the images of every fantasy I ever had about her flashed before my eyes, and I never wanted to let her go. I wanted it to be real. It felt real… I could smell her curly hair and feel her hot breath on my face, and I have no idea how I managed not to kiss her. It was all I could think of. Pressing my lips against her lips, tasting her, feeling her, smelling her, pressing my body against hers until there was no more me and her, just us… I was lost in her beautiful brown eyes, and everything else faded around us. I don't know how long we stayed like that, I just know that when she pulled away it took all my strength not to tighten my grip on her and pull her back in. She makes me feel so alive. She still makes my blood rush and my heart beat faster. I've kept a certain distance lately, and we've been doing okay. I've paired up with Catherine on most cases to ease the tension between us a little. Because none of us were benefiting from the way things were. And in a way I think it was working, the tone between us has been lighter, it felt like we were becoming friends again. But tonight, pinning her against that wall, reality came crashing down. These feelings I have for her, they haven't faded at all… Maybe they never will. When I looked at her I wanted so badly to read her thoughts. I know at one point she wanted me too. But I've made us drift apart, and I know she moved on. But it's still there, this thing between us. And I know she felt it too. But I don't want to ruin our friendship now, because if I screw this up I'll lose her for good. She's put up with enough of my bullshit for a lifetime, and I just want her in my life. I want her to be happy. Even if it means just being friends or co-workers or whatever we are. We'll do this on her terms now, I lost my right to ask anything of her a long time ago. _

An experiment… 'It did start out as that' she said in a whisper. It could have ended in something completely different if she hadn't pulled away from him. If she hadn't changed the subject. Because when he pressed her up against that wall all she wanted was for him to rip her clothes off and have his way with her right then and there. She wanted so badly to feel his hands on her skin, his lips on hers, him… deep inside of her… There were only two options; kiss him or get the hell out of there. She had desperately wanted to go for option number one, but the though of another rejection and a new round of withdrawal made her sick, so she ran with option number two. Rambling…

_She asked about the promotion. I know how much she wants it. She's afraid __"whatever happened or didn't happen between us" will be a factor. Whatever that means… I didn't know what to say…I guess she caught me off guard. I guess my thoughts were not quite there…I just looked at her, puzzled, trying to figure her out, but I don't think I ever will. The truth is that I haven't decided yet. I don't know what to do… _

_Nov. 20__th__ 2003_

_This thing with the recommendation… I don't know how to handle it. It's interfering with work. Sara's obsessed with it and I know Nick wants it too. And they're right of course, this is a "career case". A missing showgirl and the media all over it. I gave it to Catherine. Not because she's a better CSI than Nick or Sara, but because of her connection with Delhomme. He's sick, and as much as I hate it, I think she can benefit from the fact that he likes her. And no matter what, the case has to comes first. I don't like what this is doing to us, to the team, and I hate being the one to make the decision. I'm not good at this. I'm good with cases, I'm good with bugs, I am not good with people… _

_Dec. 18__th__ 2003_

_I've been thinking about it for a while. I've wanted to do this every Christmas since she came here, but I never did. Fear… So this year, I'm doing it. I got her a book. It's not much, it's an entomology book. She's borrowed __the same one from me a couple of times, I guess she likes it. So I got her a copy of her own. When I picked it up I kept thinking I should get her something else because now she's not going to come into my office asking for it again. Stupid… But I got it, and I'm giving it to her. I hope she'll like it…_

'The book…' Sara whispered to herself as a huge smile spread across her face. She had been surprised, and she had liked it. When she borrowed it from him the first time she had used it as an excuse to come into his office. To be alone with him for a few seconds. But when she came home she read the entire book in two nights. She had been surprised at how interesting it had been. And she loved reading all the notes he had scribbled down here and there. She had borrowed it again a few months later because of a case she was working. Well, sort of anyway. She would take any excuse to steal a moment with him. And when she found the gift wrapped book in her locker a couple of days before Christmas she had been sure it was from Greg. They always exchanged presents. She had read the note over and over. "From Gil". That was it. "From Gil". Truth be told it wasn't much, but to her it was the world. The first time he ever gave her anything the note had said "From Grissom", and was attached to a beautiful green plant. It had made her stay in Vegas at a time when she wasn't sure she could take it anymore. This time he had used his first name, and something about that had seemed very intimate to her. She had known that she probably shouldn't read too much into it. It could mean nothing, but it had felt like something. He was reaching out, in his own way. And with that tiny gesture he had made Christmas okay for her that year. Better than in a long time, because it gave her hope. Hope that they would somehow be okay. Hope that if nothing else their friendship could be saved.

_Jan. __8__th__ 2004_

_It's done. I recommended Nick. I don't know if I did the right thing, but I know he'll do a great job. And I know he deserves it. Of course the same can be said for Sara…__ The thing is that I know Sara will do great things. She's brilliant. She can do whatever she sets her mind to. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've been scared, of what people will think, of what they'll say. But it's not me I'm worried about. I've thought about what they would say about her if she got this promotion because of my recommendation. I may be ignorant when it comes to people, but I'm not deaf. I know people talk about us. I know about the rumours. It's not fair, and it's not fair of me to even consider it. I just can't help thinking about it. But that's not why I chose Nick. It's not… I really think it was the right decision right now. He's grown a lot. He's ready, and it's his turn now. I just hate letting her down. I know how much she wants this. Unfortunately I'm not sure she wants it for the right reasons…_

Looking back, Sara knew he had done the right thing back then. She had been furious with him when she found out, but she had been happy for Nick. She hadn't understood it then, but she did later on. It wasn't the right time. She had wanted it desperately, too desperately… And for all the wrong reasons. And he had seen that.

_Jan. 15__th__ 2004_

_When I saw that girl on the bathroom floor__… when I looked at her face, I couldn't breathe. If I hadn't known better I would think that it was her. That it was Sara on that floor. My sweet Sara…With a bloody gaping wound across her throat. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I just wanted to get out of there, I felt sick. It hurts to look at her now. Because every time I do, I see everything that I can lose, everything that I have lost, without ever really having it. And I hate myself for not taking that chance when I had it. She offered me the world, and I turned her down. Because I was too scared. And now… it's too late. I don't know if it would have worked, I don't know if she could have loved me. But I'd give anything to go back and give it a chance. I'd risk it all for a chance with her. I'd risk it all for even a single moment in her arms. Because none of it means anything without her. When she called me at the crime scene I couldn't even speak to her. Hearing her voice was like having a knife stuck in my heart. And I'm afraid she'll know, that she'll see everything I feel. And I don't want to do that to her, I can't take her on this rollercoaster again. She deserves better... So I'm lost… Lurie took the chance I couldn't, and part of me admires him for that. The other part hates him for what he did to her. I know I'm not like him, but there are similarities. And when I looked into his eyes I saw something familiar. Loneliness, and regret. I don't think we'll be able to get him for what he did to that woman, but in a strange way I'm okay with that. Because he'll never be able to escape his punishment. It'll be with him every day for the rest of his life…He'll never be able to take it back, and it will be the death of him. Maybe not tomorrow or next week, but someday. It will eat away at him until there is nothing left… _

_Brass heard every word I said to Lurie. He knows I was talking about her. He's always known… To be honest, I couldn't have cared less who heard me right then. I felt completely raw, like everything was coming apart. Like I was coming apart. It should be simple; I was too late and she deserves to move on. I guess this is one of those things I can't change, but I'm not sure I can accept it either… I know I have to, and I know I'll go on. I'll try to be part of her life, and I'll try to keep her part of mine. But it hurts more than I ever imagined. Having her so close, and still a million miles away. Close enough to touch, but all I can have are stolen glances when no one is looking. I haven't really slept in three days. When I close my eyes I dream of her, on that bathroom floor. Migraines and nightmares… It'll get better, I know, I just need to stop trembling…_

Sara had known the moment she pulled out the drawer in the morgue and looked down on that woman's face. 'It was like looking into a mirror…' she thought to herself as a shudder washed over her body. She hadn't understood at first. He had become obsessed with the case, and had avoided her from the beginning. And the way he had looked at her in the drive way when she arrived at the crime scene… his deep blue eyes had pierced right through her soul making her gasp for air. For seconds all she could hear was the deafening sound of her own heart. Until he suddenly pulled away… once again unreadable, distant… he had made her take the perimeter, refusing to let her into the house at first, and she hadn't understood. Until that moment, standing face to face with the cold remnants of a brown haired woman in her thirties, wearing nothing but a toe tag. He had seen it too… He had no idea she was standing outside the interrogation room when he and Brass were talking to Lurie. And when he finished speaking, she kept wishing she hadn't been. The resignation in his voice had been devastating. He couldn't do it, and that was that… the decision was final. It was all over, and there were no second chances. She had cried that night… And she had said goodbye, not to him, because he would always be a part of her life, but to the idea of "them". Because even though she decided to stop pursuing him the day he turned down her dinner invitation, she never stopped hoping, until that lonely night standing outside looking in…

**TBC...**

**CSI****GSRCSIGSRCSIGSRCSIGSRCSIGSRCSIGSRCSIGSRCSI**

**A/N2 **So, there you have it. I hope you liked it. I've been struggling with this beast for way to long and no matter what it feels good to just get it out there and move on. The last part of season 4 is waiting, and I'm ready to take it on!

**A/N3 **Just a quick question for those of you kind enough to read my little story; Are the chapters getting too long? I could cut them shorter by splitting the seasons into three parts for example… Or is it okay? Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it, and on the chapter in general. I run on reviews right now, and you are my fuel!! The button opening my tank is right down there... :)


	9. We're all mortals

**A/N** I just wanted to apologize again for taking so long to update. I know I promised it wouldn't be that long, and I did work as fast as I could. Unfortunately that's not as fast as I would have liked… I hope you can forgive me, and that you'll like the chapter. Thank you all for the wonderful support, and the encouraging words. And to those of you who have worried about me not finishing this, I promise I will. As long as there's someone out there who wants to read, I'll keep writing. So, here we go…

**CSICSICSICSICSI**

Reading Gils diary was both comforting and devastating at the same time. Comforting because his love for her seared through every page, through every word he wrote. Devastating because she could feel all the pain he had felt throughout the years. Pain that was deeper and more overwhelming than she had ever imagined. But she knew she had to go on, she wanted to go on… She wanted to know everything about him, the good and the bad, because it made him him. In so many ways it felt like this diary gave her the missing pieces of a puzzle. The pieces that made the picture complete, that made sense of everything. It gave her a chance to understand his actions, actions that made no sense to her at the time, but who had more meaning than she ever dared to dream of.

_Feb. 5__th__ 2004_

_It's still hard to be around her, but I'm trying so hard not to let it affect the way I treat her. I took all the butterflies off my walls when I got home from shift this morning. I can't look at them without seeing… without feeling… I don't know... It just hurts too much. I've loved them my entire life, and now… when I look at them all I can see is death and betrayal and loss. We worked together on this case. Part of me just wants to keep her close all the time now, even though it hurts even to look at her. I still see Debbie Marlins limp body on the bathroom floor every time I look into her eyes. But when she's close at least I know she's safe. And no matter what we've gone through, we've always worked well together. In so many ways we complete each other, and working with her always keeps me on my toes. It was an interesting case too, really. A fake samurai collection was used as part of a quite clever scam. An armoury was used as a Trojan horse to get inside the vault of the casino. Sometimes I wish life was as simple as work. You search for the evidence, put the pieces together, and find the truth. I guess it could be, only in life there are no absolutes. And the evidence keeps changing. People keep changing. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who's stuck… Maybe I will be until I figure out how to let her go. I've been trying to for so long, but every time I think I have, something comes crashing down to remind me that I'm right back where I started. Right back to when I turned around and saw her standing there with her sunglasses and curly hair 4 years ago. I haven't moved on at all. I'm still hoping, still dreaming, still loving her…_

It hadn't been easy going back to work after what she witnessed through the glass window in the interview room, pretending that nothing had changed. But she had done it. And work had always been their neutral ground. Their safe harbour. No matter how awkward things were between them, working together had never been a problem. They fit, they complemented each other. She saw the things he missed and he asked the questions she forgot to ask. It was one of the things she missed the most after their relationship became public and she made the decision to move to swing. Not working with him was something she would never quite get used to. It wasn't the same after that. She didn't enjoy it as much, and she knew he felt the same. And knowing it could never ever be like that again hurt more than any of them wanted to admit…

_Feb. 12__th__ 2004 _

_Fromansky again… The last time we met I got ahead of the evidence. This time, I promised myself the moment I laid eyes on him that I would let the evidence guide me, and not the other way around. But he still gets under my skin… There's just something about him that I can't put my finger on… And once again I found myself hoping I could take this guy down. It's not something I'm proud of…But just like the last time, the evidence set him free. He had been shooting at a third robber… Unfortunately a woman got in the line of fire and was killed by a bullet from his weapon. He never saw her. Tunnel vision. Like I told Jim I'm not really sure what to think. Fromansky got to play the hero, but the fact is that 5 people ended up dead, so I guess we all lost one way or another… _

_Feb. 19__th__ 2004 _

_I got a visit from Jim after shift ended this morning__. He's worried about Sara… He told me he thinks she might be drinking. He said he'd noticed it a couple of times lately. At first he didn't think that much of it, but he says he's sure something's off with her. He tried talking to her about it, but she just blew him off. She admitted to having a couple of beers after shift, and then we got called back in a few hours later. But she said that that was it, that everything's okay…I don't know what to think… Maybe he's just being paranoid. I mean, we've all done it from time to time. Knocked back a beer or two after shift, or had a drink before going to bed. I know I have. It doesn't have to mean anything. He says he recognises the signs, having been there himself, but I just can't see Sara ever going down that road. She's too strong, too independent. She wouldn't… Then again, we haven't exactly been that close lately. I don't know anything about her life at all anymore. Maybe I never did… She's there every day, but I don't really see her, do I… I don't even remember the last time we talked about anything other than work. When did I last ask her how she's doing… When was the last time I heard her laugh… What if Jim is right… _

Jim had been right, Sara thought to herself… No, she wasn't an alcoholic, but something had been off with her. She had fallen into this habit of having a couple of beers when she got home from a tough shift. After a while every shift qualified as a tough shift, and a couple of beers quickly became 4 or 5. She did it to sleep, to make the faces of the victims a little more blurry, to take the edge off the pain she was feeling inside. She knew she needed to stop it, but at the time, she hadn't wanted to. It became her way of coping with the stress, the pain, the fear. She had been tired, and lonely, and the one thing that had always kept her going, the only thing that had always made sense to her, was becoming a burden. Going to work was becoming harder and harder. It was like every new case added a ghost to her collection and they were outnumbering her by a landslide already. She had been drowning, and when Jim had reached out a hand to her, she had pushed him away. She had been scared. She had had no idea how to admit she needed help. She had always done everything on her own, and just didn't know how to let someone else be there for her. So she had kept digging deeper and deeper, until later that spring when she hit rock bottom…

_Apr. 1__st__ 2004 _

_I don't want to sleep. I know I'__ll dream of him… of his hands around my throat, his eyes burning a hole in me. The migraine won't let go of me. The medication isn't working, it hasn't been for while really. I was just going to collect the evidence from his finger nails. Just like I've done a thousand times before. When I touched his skin it was like it was on fire. I should have known, I saw the signs, the clenched fists, the sweat on his forehead, the look I his eyes, but by the time I realized what was about to happen, it was too late. He threw me up against the wall. He screamed that he was going to kill me… And I believed him…His name was Walter Darian. I can't remember the last time I felt fear like that. This job, it sometimes makes me feel invincible. Saying it out loud makes me realize how stupid that is… But when you see people die every day, after a while you stop believing it could ever happen to you, or to anyone you love. So you feel invincible, until something finally happens that yanks you right out of your daydream, and back into the harsh reality. I guess this was that something to me. When he came at me all I could see was the face of his latest victim. The man he beat to death with his bare hands. I knew what he was capable of and I was sure that I was next. The bruise on my neck is a constant reminder now, and I hate it, I wish I could make it go away. I don't want anyone to see it, and I don't want to answer their questions. What am I supposed to say… That I was terrified? That violence scares me to death? That I saw my life flash before my eyes and was reminded once again that I haven't really lived at all… I just want it to go away. I just want to forget…_

Sara remembered Walter Darian. And she remembered what he did to Gil. Vividly. She didn't see it. She wasn't there when it happened, but she saw the mark on his neck afterwards, and she saw the fear in his eyes. But his behaviour had made it clear to them all that it was off limits. He wasn't interested in talking about it, not with her, and not with anyone else. He had tried to hide the evidence of their encounter the best he could. But she didn't have to see the mark on his throat to know, she had seen it in his eyes, the embarrassment of putting himself in that position, and the fear when he thought he was dying. She had wanted to comfort him. She had wanted to tell him it was okay to be scared, because she too had been scared. It wasn't just Gil who had been hit with reality that day. What if Darian had been a little stronger? What if Jim and the police officers had been a little further away? What if Gil had been a little weaker…? What if he had died in that interview room and that was it…? Then what…?

_Apr. 22__nd__ 2004 _

_Not only was the victim a cop, so were all our suspects. __20.000 cops in town and three of them end up dead. One in the desert and two in a hotel room. I put Warrick and Sara on what initially looked like a murder/suicide, while Catherine, Nick and Greg worked the case of the dead runner with me. Turns out jealousy killed all three of our victims. It is a deadly sin…_

_I guess in one way or another we all fear the day we are no longer needed. We want to feel important, it's human nature. We want to feel like we matter. But eventually we all get replaced. It was the annual night time relay for police officers. Every year SWAT and LA SES battle it out to prove which is the strongest and fastest and toughest. To some it matters more than to others… The lieutenant put furosemide in the victims energy bar. I went to his cell to see him, off the record, to ask him why. His answer didn't surprise me as much as it saddened me…He told me it was his leg. He used to run that leg, but this year he had been replaced by someone younger, and faster. And he wasn't about to let it happen. I guess he didn't really mean to kill him, he just wanted to slow him down. I just don't understand why human beings spend so much time fighting nature, when we all know it's a battle we can't win…_

_I know the day will come when I will be replaced. I've actually started thinking about it, preparing for it. It won't be that long until they don't need me anymore. I'm getting older, and the guys, my team, they're the best CSI's in Vegas. Which means they're among the best in the country. I'm not here for my own sake. I'm here for the victims, for the truth. I love this job, I love it enough to let it go when the day comes. The day I'm not an asset to this lab, is the day I walk out the door. I'm not going to pretend that it won't hurt, that I won't care. This has been my life, I made it my everything for all these years, so when it's over I really don't know what to do. But staying too long and becoming a burden would be unbearable. I would hate myself if I ever let that happen. I'll be forever grateful for the years I spent here, and for the people I met. And when it's over, it's them I'll miss the most. I know that would come as a surprise to a lot of people, but the truth is that my team, they've become my family, and I'll miss seeing them every day. I know I'm not good with people, and sometimes I am more comfortable with my bugs. But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate them, that I don't love them. Because I do. I just wish I knew why I find it so hard to let them in on the secret…_

His selflessness, his ability to never put his own needs in the way of what was right, was one of things she had always loved about him. She knew he would do what he thought was right even if it took away from him the most important thing in his life. And she admired him for that, even when she was furious at him for it. And she had been furious... Only a few weeks after this actually, when she found out about his decision to recommend Nick for the promotion. But that was just who he was, who he is, who he'll always be… He had always done what he considered to be the right thing, even when he knew it would hurt himself and the people close to him, even her. And she wouldn't have it any other way…

_May 6__th__ 2004 _

_A rollercoaster derailed. 6 dead, well actually 5 on the rollercoaster, one was already dead on the ground… It always seems so sad__ and meaningless when something so innocent, something that's supposed to bring joy, ends up taking someone's life. It wasn't the rollercoaster though. It was a young man, he loosened the screws. He was in love with a girl… but she didn't love him back. Greg found semen on the seat of the ride. That's how we got to talking about sex on a rollercoaster. I've read that the release of epinephrine and adrenaline enhances the experience. But as most of my knowledge it comes from reading, not from life. There's only one person I'd like to take for a ride like that anyway, and judging from the way I felt just talking to her about it, I know I wouldn't need anything to enhance that experience. Just having her in my arms would be more than enough… She's even read Henry James._

A sly smile shaped her lips as she thought back to their conversation. Then her thoughts went to the first time they actually road a rollercoaster together. It was a few months after they got together, he had asked her to go out of town for the weekend. They finally managed to get some time off together without raising suspicion, and she still remembered how she couldn't stop smiling when she packed her bags. It had been the first time they could go outside holding hands, the first time she could kiss him in public, the first time they could just be together without hiding. And he had taken her on a rollercoaster. And just like he promised, it had been thrilling… She had loved seeing this new side of him. The playful, happy, carefree Gil. The Gil who didn't think twice about feeling her up in a public place, and couldn't seem to care less if people stared at them. The Gil who laughed a lot more than she could ever remember him doing before. The Gil who asked her out to dinner, and proudly held her hand as they walked around town. For the first time the world around them didn't matter. All that mattered was him and her, them… 'Us…' she thought, and felt a sudden sting of sadness emerging from somewhere deep inside her. She missed him so much… More than she ever thought possible…

_May 13__th__ 2004_

_She knows. She knows I recommended Nick. I should have told her. She shouldn't have had to hear it from someone else, but I just never found the right moment. I was a coward. I knew she'd be disappointed, and she is… She thinks I have a problem with her. The truth is that I have a problem with me, but that didn't have anything to do with my decision. I hate that she thinks it did… I hate that she would think that I'd let this thing between us get in the way of an important decision like this. But then again I can't really blame her for thinking it did, can I... I haven't really acted all that professionally lately. We were alone in the garage working on Sam Braun's limo when she confronted me about it. I didn't know what to say. Nothing I could say would make her feel better anyway, because the fact remains that I recommended him, not her. And that's all she really cares about right now. So I told her the truth, that I recommended Nick because I thought he was the best candidate for the position, because he didn't care whether he got the job or not. Maybe she's right, maybe it is a stupid reason, but it's the truth. And as much as I hate hurting her, I had to do what I though was right. And in the end, I think it was the best thing for her as well. It's not the right time… That doesn't make it any easier, and it doesn't help me sleep at night, but I wouldn't change it even if I could…_

'You did the right thing, honey…' Sara thought as she rubbed her burning eyes. She had been falling apart. And that promotion, his recommendation, had been about so many things, none of them what it should be. It was about being the best, about impressing him, about proving to others that she could do anything, that she was better than where she came from. It was about forgetting how messed up she really was, how tired and lonely and desperate she was feeling. And she was losing herself in all of it, losing track of what really mattered, losing track of what it should be about. And when she was all alone with nothing but the truth and her faithful ghosts, she had gone looking for answers in the bottom of a bottle. He had done the right thing…It was getting late, and her eyelids were getting heavy, but she didn't want to go to sleep. She wanted to stay with him, she wanted to stay in his world a little longer. So she kept reading…

_May 20__th__ 2004 _

_I know I'm partly to blame for this. Brass warned me, but I guess I didn't want to see it. I could have done something earlier. I could have at least tried to __reach out to her, but I didn't. I was to busy trying to convince myself that it wasn't true…That she was fine. When I got that call tonight, and the cop on the other end of the line said he was calling about Sara, all I could think was that something had happened to her. Something horrible… My mouth went dry and my palms went wet, and the only question in my mind was "is she alright?" She was… physically anyway. She had been drinking and driving…She was just over the legal limit, but they cut her a break, and called me instead. I was probably the last person she wanted to see that night. When I walked into the room she just sat there, staring straight ahead. Like she was bracing herself. I think she was expecting me to yell at her, to be mad. God… the image of her sitting there said more than a thousand words. I can't believe I made her think that I'd be mad. I'm so sorry Sara… What could I possibly say to her to make it okay… I had no idea, so I just took her hand and told her I'd take her home…And she let me._

_We drove in silence to her apartment. I didn't know what to do, I just knew I didn't want to leave her there, alone…When I pulled up in the parking lot outside she didn't even notice we were there. She just kept staring straight ahead, she looked so tired, so sad, so lost. I reached over and grabbed her hand once again, and squeezed it gently. She didn't look at me, she just looked down at our hands. I don't know if she wanted me to let her go or if she wanted me to hold onto her forever. She didn't say anything and we sat like that for a while, until I suddenly felt something wet on the back of my hand. I didn't realize at first that she was crying. Her face was made of stone, she didn't make a sound, but then I saw the tears rolling down her beautiful face. I let go of her hand and got out of the car. When I made my way around to her side and opened the door she had wiped the tears away, and braced herself once again. I can't blame her for not letting her guard down with me. She's done it before, and I've hurt her every time. I walked her to the door, and watched her fumble with the keys. When she couldn't find the right one and slammed her hand against the door in frustration, I took them from her and unlocked the door for her. She wasn't drunk, she was tired. She was barely over the legal limit. She didn't invite me in, she just walked in leaving the door open behind her. I followed her in and watched her slump down on the couch. I just had to make sure she was okay before I left. I went into the kitchen and let the water run while I searched for a glass. She drank the water, and I put the glass back on the counter before I sat down beside her… I don't know if she didn't know what to say, or if she just didn't have the energy to say anything at all. But after a few minutes I felt her head on my shoulder, and the weight of her body leaning against me. She had fallen asleep… I stayed for a while. The truth is that I didn't want to leave. I was trying to convince myself that it was because I was afraid to wake her up, but the truth is I didn't want to loose the feel of her body against mine. Her warmth was the most comforting and wonderful thing I've ever felt, and I wanted to stay there forever. But I had no right to be there. Slowly I managed to slide off the couch and place her head on a pillow. I removed her shoes and put her feet up on the couch. He would have thought that taking someone's shoes off could feel so intimate… I know she didn't hear me, but I told her I was sorry. I whispered it in her ear. When we talk later I'll say it to her face, like she deserves. _

'I heard you', Sara thought to herself. 'I heard you…' She could still remember how his warm breath had felt against her face when he leaned down and whispered his apology. She could still remember the shame she had felt, the embarrassment, the fear, the despair. Even anger. But she had never blamed him for her problems. She had been angry at him, sure, but she knew her problems were her own, and that she was the only one who could make herself better. She had never expected him to be able to take her ghosts away… All she had ever wanted from him was his love and his respect. But there were times when she hadn't been sure she had either. Now, she knew better…

She remembered the case they had been working. A woman had been raped and beaten, but she had managed to escape alive. She hadn't wanted to do the interview of the victim, so she had asked Catherine to do it. Sara always did the interviews, but this time, she just couldn't… Gil had tried to talk to her about it, sort of… He had asked her to take some time off, a week or two, maybe it was his way of telling her he was worried. Sara knew she hadn't made it easy for him, she had no intention of letting him in, and when she asked him when was the last time he took a vacation, he had quickly backed down… Just like she knew he would. Just like she was counting on…

'It was only a matter of time' she half whispered to herself as her thoughts wandered to Todd Coombs and Linley Parker. She had let too many cases into her life. Too many faces came back to haunt her, too many faces didn't leave when the case was closed. Coombs raped Linley Parker, and she escaped. But he came back to finish the job. He raped her again, before finally killing her. 'There is no escaping your destiny', she thought to herself. Her mother told her that once, and sometimes she wondered if maybe it was true, that there was no point in fighting. There was no escape for Linley Parker, no matter how hard she fought. And there had been no escape for Sara's father or her mother all those years ago. 'But I escaped' she thought… 'so maybe…just maybe…' Her thoughts drifted over into dreams as her eyes finally closed and her body relaxed against the bed. Suddenly she was back in the desert. Her heart thumping, her body shivering. But somehow it felt different from all the other nightmares she had gotten so used to. For some reason she knew it would be okay. The panic wasn't overwhelming like before, and when she made her way out from under the car she knew exactly where to go. This time she wasn't lost, like she used to be. Like she was when it really happened. This time she knew the way back home…

**TBC**

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**A/N****2** So, that was the end of season 4. I guess you all know there's a lot to look forward to in season 5!! To mention a few great ones we've got Snakes, Nesting Dolls and Committed. Many great moments to come. Thank you so much for reading, it means the world to me, and if you find the time to leave a review, I'll be very grateful. I love hearing what you think, good and bad!


	10. Divide, not conquer

5

A/N1 I just wanted to thank you in advance for reading. This is set in the first half of season 5, and I hope you'll like it! Oh, and this chapter wasn't beta'd so all mistakes are my own. Sorry… Hope there aren't too many 

**XXX**

As she was slowly waking from her dream, Sara was becoming aware of the rays of sunlight caressing her skin, warming her body. The nightmare that had become her faithful companion ever since that night out in the dessert suddenly didn't seem so familiar anymore. It felt like maybe it was losing it's grip on her, like it was starting to fade into something less horrifying.

She needed to get out of the hotel. She needed to feel the wind against her face, and the smell of the ocean. And she knew exactly where to go… As soon as she got dressed she put on her coat, stuffed the envelope in her pocket, and closed the door behind her. When they first met in San Francisco all those years ago he had taken her to this beautiful place by the sea. It was nothing special, but it was quiet and beautiful… and theirs. And as she sat down on the bench looking out over the ocean, tugging the envelope from her jacket, it was almost like he was there with her. And in her heart she knew he was…

_September 23__rd__ 2004_

_Sara came back to work tonight. She stopped by my office in the beginning of the shift, but we didn't get a chance to talk. It was a busy night. I need to ta__lk to her about her counselling… hopefully I'll get a chance to do it tomorrow night…_

'It took a while before we got a chance to talk', Sara though to herself. She had been meaning to talk to him that night. And when that didn't work out she had been meaning to talk to him on the next shift. But something seemed to get in the way every time, and after a while it was just easier to let it go. Her counsellor had told her to talk to him, about her family, about her history, and she had wanted to. But like everything else between them, it was difficult, and the timing was never right… She remembered rehearsing her speech to him, trying to find the right words, but when it got down to it, something always got in the way. She never really thanked him for what he did for her back then. Somehow he had managed to work something out so that she didn't get suspended. She had used some of her vacation time, and her secret had been kept safe from the rest of the team. All she had to do was see the PEAP counsellor, which she had agreed to. She often wondered how he had managed to pull that off…

_Greg had his final proficiency test today, well, it was supposed to be his final anyway. I couldn't let him pass after he actually __used the toilet in our crime scene. I guess I expected more from him. I didn't think he would be that stupid. To be honest, I wasn't sure about giving him a second chance… but as he was leaving my office, I remembered that he does deserve it. And I shouldn't have yelled at him in front of Hodges… but on the upside he'll never let Greg forget it, so I guess it's safe to say he won't ever make that mistake again. _

_October 14__th__ 2004_

_This case has been keeping me up at night… I have all these thoughts running through my head, and I can't seem to sort them out, can't make them stop. Daniel Perez killed his sister. She was brought into this world with one purpose in mind; to save his life. He had leukaemia, and Alicia, she was conceived in vitro to be a genetic match to him. What she went through, I don't think any of us can ever imagine. And Daniel, he wanted it to stop. He didn't want her to be in pain anymore. He had finally got his parents to agree to put a stop to it, when his kidneys failed. Their promise to spare Alicia was only good when it came to his leukaemia, and this being a completely different matter they now wanted her to give him a kidney. He had no more than 6 months to live. 6 more months and Alicia would have been free, but instead, he killed her. Because his parents wouldn't let him go, because they wouldn't stop, and because he couldn't live with all the pain that he was causing her, he killed her. Apparently Daniel's God forgives murder, but not suicide. So to him there was no other option. He'll be dead before the trial, and has no doubt that his God will forgive him when that time comes. None of this makes any sense to me…What kind of God would want a brother to kill his sister, what kind of God would put a family in a situation where they have to choose between their children…? I know many people have found their salvation in religion, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if it hasn't doomed just as many. I don't know what I believe in anymore…_

_When __we talked in church, Daniel seemed at peace with his fate. He said he was lucky, because he knows how and when he's going to die. I can't stop thinking about that. Most people think that being diagnosed with a terminal illness is the worst thing that could ever happen to them, but I guess in many ways it really can be a blessing. I think if I had to choose between that, or passing away unexpectedly one night, in my sleep, I would chose the illness. It would give me a chance to do all those things I've been putting off for later, it would give me a chance to tell the people in my life how I really feel, to tie up the loose ends… It would give me a chance to do all the things I never dared to do before. It's ironic, but I guess being told that you are going to die, in many ways gives you the opportunity to really live. It's like that song; "Live like you were dying". Maybe we should all live like that, sadly very few have the courage to really do it. But the fact is that one day it will all be over, and I don't want that day to come without ever having told her how I feel. If I died today, I don't think there's anything I would regret as much as I'd regret never saying those words out loud to her…_

Sara thought back to a conversation they had once. It was after Jim was shot, after he almost died, that Gil had told her about how he wanted to know in advance that he was dying. And then he told her about all the things he would want to do if he was given that chance… About how he would want to go back to the rain forest one more time, that he wanted to re-read Moby Dick, maybe even enter an international chess tournament. He had told her that he wanted to know so that he could say goodbye to the people he loved… And when she had kneeled down in front of him and looked into his eyes she had known without a doubt that that was her, that he loved her. She could still picture him clearly as he was laying there on the bed, the horrible shirt, the vulnerable smile…she could still almost hear his voice as she imagined the words coming out of his mouth. She could still feel the love she had felt when she looked into his eyes… She could still taste his kiss on her lips, and she hoped desperately that the memory of it all would never fade... It was one of those moments that happen when you least expect it, one of those moments that remind you what really matters in life, of what you have, of what you can't afford to loose… And no matter how hard you try to make that moment last forever, it passes you by, and all you can do is try to keep it safe in your heart and never ever forget the way it made you feel.

_Oct. 28__th__ 2004_

_In this job you meet a lot of different people, different lifestyles, and I try to never judge anyone. It's not my job to judge, it's my job to observe. These people were swingers. They had a lot of rules, and they had a lot of secrets. And if it's anything I've learned doing this job, it's that secrets have a way of coming out, and rules tend to be broken. Both were true for this case as well. Happiness… is relative. I don't think it's possible to define happiness. They said they were happy together, and who am I to say that what they're doing is wrong. I could never live like that, but that doesn't mean no one else should. But in the end I think every one of their rules were broken, and a child's life was ruined. "The kids must never know…" The most important one of their rules…broken._

_Catherine came by my office today. She asked me to recommend her for the position as day shift supervisor, now that Ecklie is being promoted. I wrote the letter__ of recommendation a week ago. I knew she wanted it, and in my opinion she's the best choice. I hope she gets it. She's worked hard and I know it'll make things easier for her with Lindsey. She deserves it… _

_Nov. 4__th__ 2004_

_It's over. It's over and it ended exactly the way he wanted it to… I don't know how to describe what I felt when I realized that he was back. The blue paint mixed with__ the motor oil. Part of me was terrified, because this guy had outsmarted me before. Part of me was relieved, because this actually gave me another chance. Another chance to get him, to stop him… It bothers me that I let him get away before. Because of me someone else had to die in order for us to get close to him again…I don't know how I feel about the fact that it's over. I don't even know if we ever would have caught this guy if it wasn't for the fact that he wanted to get caught. He played us like pawns right up until the part where he killed himself right under our noses… Kevin Greer, every time I close my eyes I see him sitting there, on the toilet, with that black plastic bag over his head… I tried to bring him back, I tried to make him stay alive, but he was gone. Maybe it was for the best, but part of me feels like we lost. He got the ending that he wanted. I just can't stop wondering if I would have been able to catch him if he didn't want to get caught…_

Sara knew this case had bothered him more than most. She knew that he knew the names and birth dates of all the girls Greer had killed. She knew he felt responsible for their deaths, because he hadn't been able to stop him. She had worked the case with him, and seen how it affected him. She was the one who found out that his last victim wasn't real. Brit Mosscoe aka Miss October. One final sick joke on them. Giving him time to kill himself… Yeah, in many ways he had won. They had all been puppets on his stage, but at least it was over, and he would never hurt anyone ever again…And to her, that was what really mattered. And there was nothing in the world she was more sure about than the fact the Gil would have caught him… with or without Greers participation…

_Nov. 11__th__ 2004_

_I was about to give a speech at Ecklie__'s promotion when I got a page, it was a 419. I can't say I was sorry to leave, but I have a feeling I'll regret leaving Catherine with the speech. Especially considering the fact that I hadn't written one… I worked with Sofia Curtis on the case. She works dayshift, and I guess I should have recognized her when she stepped into the elevator, but I didn't. She talks a lot. She processes the scene with her mouth, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't annoy me. But in all fairness, I did try it out, to see if it had any value as a scientific method. Didn't work for me…But she's smart, and it was refreshing to work with someone different. She's not afraid to speak her mind either, and I like that. She even glued my bowtie together. I never did figure that thing out. Catherine usually ties it for me, and every time she makes sure to point out that I need a woman. Only problem is I'm not sure the woman I have in mind knows how to tie a bowtie…but now that it's glued together that doesn't really matter, does it…_

"Sofia…" Sara though to herself… they never really got along all that well. At least not in the beginning… The truth was that in so many ways they were too alike. They were strong, outspoken, independent women. They were tough as nails, but still vulnerable… and there was Grissom. Sara always knew Sofia liked him, she could feel it, and it had scared her. Because it had seemed like he liked her too. "And she was beautiful…" she thought to herself. Sara had never really felt beautiful, not until one day when Gil finally made her see herself through his eyes…

_Nov. 18__th__ 2004_

_We tend to fear what we don't understand. We tend to fear the unknown. It's in our genes. Hundreds of years of civilization haven't been able to wipe that out, and I'm not sure it ever will. For these people being hated is normal. It's what they've come to expect. Because outsiders can never truly understand them, and very few even want to try. The woman that was found stabbed to death in her car, Wendy Garner, she had had genital reassignment surgery. "She"… used to be a "he". She spent her life feeling like she was in the wrong body, and then, when she finally got to be who she felt like she had always been, she started spending her life hiding who she used to be. Her fiancée didn't know, she didn't feel like she could tell him. I guess I understand her fear, because the truth is that very few men would accept something like that. But for some reason he seemed different. Maybe he would have understood if she had given him the chance… But it takes a special kind of trust to tell another human being your deepest darkest secrets. The victim's best friend, Mimosa, called me at my office and asked me to meet her at the Apple Martini, so I did. She told me she trusts me, because I'm an outsider... I guess in many ways I am. I always have been, ever since I was a kid. I never understood their jokes, I never took part in their games, I wasn't one of them. So yes, I do know what it's like to be different. And I guess she saw that… I guess I looked a little startled when she touched my hand, because she quickly reassured me that this was about soul, not sex. I invited her to my office when the case was closed. I felt that she deserved to hear it from me. The fact that Wendy was killed by someone from within their own community was hard on her. These people live in a world separate from mine. Not because they want to but because we won't let them in here. Because we're too afraid. Afraid of what we don't understand. Maybe that's why I've always had this need to learn… because I don't want to fear, I don't want to hate. And it's a lot easier to hat what you don't know…We're all human beings, and we all have at least one thing in common; we all go through life searching for happiness. And if we're lucky enough to find it, then all we can really do is try to find the courage to reach out and grab it, and never let it go…_

It was one of those things she had always loved about him. The fact that he never passed judgement on anyone… As long as a person didn't hurt anyone else with their actions, he would never tell anyone how to live their life. He never pretended to be better than anyone else, and she knew that's all he had ever wanted from the people around him. To not be judged. "I guess we all want that", Sara thought to herself, and yet we're usually so quick to pass judgement on anything that's slightly outside what we consider normal. And when you think about it, what could be more ignorant than to think you alone have all the answers. That you alone know what's right and what's wrong. We're all products of where we come from, of our parents, of the people we meet, of the things that happen to us. It all comes down to where we're born, with a little bit of genes mixed in. So who's to say who's right and who's wrong… Who are we to make that decision…

_Nov. 25__th__ 2004_

_I should have seen this coming. Maybe I could have played my cards better, maybe I could have kept us together. But the fact is that I didn't even know what was happening until it__ was too late. Politics again… Ecklie has been after me for years, he's been waiting for a chance to break us up, and he finally did it. The guys feel guilty. But I'm the only one to blame for this. They were ambushed, and they shouldn't have to cover for my shortcomings. I know I have faults, and maybe I'm not the best supervisor, but he has no right to question my team's effectiveness. We have the highest solve rate, no one even comes close. Sofia got caught in the middle. Ecklie was counting on her to sell us out for a position as day shift supervisor, but she has a lot more integrity than that. She committed career suicide when she decided to do the right thing, and she knew it. But she did it anyway. So he degraded her. She has to work under me now. And just to prove his point he gave Catherine the position as swing shift supervisor instead of days. I had a talk with Nick and Warrick after shift. I feel like I let them down. If had been a better supervisor… if had had even the tiniest political bone in my body, then maybe I could have prevented this. Maybe I could have kept us together. Maybe I'm just being stubborn in refusing to play his game. And because of it I've lost Nick and Warrick and Catherine. Part of me doesn't want to accept it, but there's nothing I can do right now…_

Sara remembered when he had told her that their team was being split up. He had gathered them all in his office, and quietly explained that Nick and Warrick would effective immediately be working under Catherine on swing shift, and that she, Greg and Sofia would be staying with him on graveyard. He had seemed resigned, and sad. And she had felt so angry. Angry and guilty. Ecklie had asked her about her PEAP counselling and if she had talked to Grissom about it. She had lied, she told him they had had an "abbreviated" conversation about it. They hadn't even done that, and she wasn't a very good liar. She had been heartbroken about losing Warrick and Nick, even Catherine. But she had still had him, and Greg, and together they had managed to find a way to move forward.

_Dec. 9__th__ 2004_

_It's different after the shift changes. The dynamics have changed. __I know that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I guess it takes some getting used to. I haven't really had a chance to talk to Catherine since she took over as swing shift supervisor, so I went to her office to see her today. I even brought her a little house warming gift for the new office. I have a feeling she didn't really appreciate the fetal pig though, cause as I was leaving this morning it was back in it's regular place in my office. I think she's okay though. She'll take good care of Nick and Warrick. And I know they'll take care of her. But it's strange not working together anymore. It feels like we've worked together forever, and… she's my friend. We didn't always talk all that much but I'm used to having her around, and I could always count on her setting me straight when I was out of line. It's nice to have someone like that, someone who will tell you the truth no matter what, someone you know will tell you what you need to hear, and not what you want to hear… Real friends do that._

_The case we finally wrapped up tonight was horrifying. Greg found a young boy in a dumpster on a crime scene. He was emaciated, and dumped in the trash like garbage. He was only 5 years old. Devon Malton. His mother had left him and his two brothers with her cousin. She spent the money the mother was sending for her boys to buy a new television, and locked the boys in the basement. She left them there to die… Sara, Greg and Jim found the other two boys in time. They were still alive. I can't stop thinking about this woman, walking around in her house, eating, drinking, watching her brand new television, all the while knowing that three innocent children are dying in her basement. Knowing that she is slowly killing them…It makes me sick…_

It had been one of those cases Sara knew she would never forget. The boys had been in the system, just like she was at one time. Sara remembered the conversation she had with the girl who was in the same foster home that the boys had been in. That was the first time Sara had ever told anyone that she had been in foster care. She saw this girl that reminded her so much of herself, and suddenly all her defences were down. The girl, Glynnis, she had old eyes… Like she had seen too much for her age. Things children shouldn't have to see. But she was smart, and Sara saw a strength in her that made her certain that she would make it. 8000 child abuse and neglect cases a year… That's what the case worker told her. "There's only so much you can do". Sara knew it was true, it was the harsh reality, but that didn't make it any less hard. And it didn't make Devon Malton any less dead…

_Jan. 6__th__ 2004_

_Greg passed his final proficiency test today. He's grown a lot since he started working in the lab. He's become a man. The way he dealt with this case proved that in every way. And he__ even got to investigate the death of Sherlock Holmes himself. Sadly, I don't think he's learned how to appreciate a good old fashioned mystery yet. But there's still time… He was thorough, he collected the evidence, he built a case, and when he thought there was something missing, he went back and found it. His interpretation of the evidence was wrong… but that's why we're a team. To help each other when we're stuck. I don't expect him to be right all the time. And when I asked questions about his case, about his conclusion, he didn't make any excuses, he just listened, and he did what was necessary. What more can you ask of anyone… _

_Jan. 13__th__ 2004_

_Sara came by my office tonight. She wanted to apologize. She was afraid that what she told Ecklie when he asked about our post PEAP counselling session contributed to the team being broken up. I'm the one who should be apologizing, for putting her in a situation were she feels like she has to cover for me…She looked great tonight. I mean, she always does, but there was just something about her. She didn't look tired anymore, she didn't look defeated. She looked like she was happy. I don't know what to make of what she said. In many ways what she told me tonight was everything I've always wanted to hear from her. She told me I was the reason she came to Vegas. That I'd always been a little more than a boss to her… Just like that, she bares her soul to me in those few sentences. She said it was her fault that our relationship has been difficult. It's not… I guess none of us are without fault, but I'm the one who have been at constant war with myself ever since she came here. I'm the one who have been fighting my feelings, I'm the one who have pulled her in when I've been weak, and pushed her away when I've been scared. I'm the one who's so terrified and insecure that I'll never be able to let anyone come close to me ever again. _

_I don't know when I got to be this way, maybe I always was. But it's not getting any easier. It's what she said next that keeps me up at night. That's what I keep going over and over in my head. "Let's just say that sometimes I look for validation in inappropriate places". Those were her words. __It still feels like a big stone is lodged somewhere in my chest. I panicked, for the first time it really hit me that maybe it was too late. That I had blown it… I started to ask her out to dinner, but I only got halfway through the sentence. I hesitated, again…because I started thinking… "inappropriate"… and then she stopped me. She said it was okay, and she smiled. One of those beautiful smiles, and she thanked me. Said we finally did our session. All this time we've spent together since she came here, there has always been this door slightly open between us. She's left it open for me, so that I can come and go as I please. And I took that for granted, never realising how much it hurt her every time I looked inside only to turn around and walk away again. Tonight she closed that door. I think she's at peace with the way things are between us. I think she's come to terms with the fact that it may always be this way, and that there's nothing she can do to change it… to change me. And the most amazing part is that she has no anger or resentment towards me at all. She has every right to be angry and hurt, but she accepts me with all my flaws, and even makes it easy for me. After all we've been through, after all I've put her through, she still doesn't judge me…_

The counselling had helped Sara in many ways. Her past, her present, her future, it was all linked closely together, and the counselling had made her take a long hard look at herself and why she had ended up in the place that she had. The answers were many, and she knew she wouldn't figure it all out in a day, maybe she never would. But she had known for sure that he was not to blame for any of it, nor could he be the solution. And that day, in his office, she had finally let go if it all. Her intentions hadn't been to tell him it was too late, it was simply to let him know that whatever happened, it would be okay. That she accepted him and that she would be okay. It was time for him to decide where to go next. Truth be told, she had given up hope of a relationship with him long ago, but she was hoping maybe their friendship could be saved. And she had realized that the only way to do that was to back away and give him some space, instead of pushing him further and further into a corner. That's why she had stopped him when he had started to ask her out to dinner. She knew he wanted to say the words, but she hadn't wanted him to. Because it would have been a result of her pushing him, just like she always did. He would have done it because she had told him that she moved there for his sake, and she never wanted that… This way, their future was in his hands, and she was fine with that.

As her thoughts drifted through their conversation, a chill went through her spine, and she realized that the sun was setting in the horizon. It was getting cold, and the sky above her was a wonderful shade of pink and purple… "I wish you were here…" she whispered to herself, as the last rays of sun graced her face before dropping off the edge of the world…

TBC

**XXX**

A/N2 The song Grissom is referring to; "Live like you were dying" is by Tim McGraw, and it means a lot to me. I'm actually listening to it right now…

A/N3 This was a difficult chapter to write. I really struggled with the last scene, from Snakes, when they talk in his office. I've watched it a million times, and I can't help but feel this huge lump in my throat when I see the way his face drops from her comment about looking for validation in inappropriate places. It's just sad… If you have time to leave a review I'd love to hear your thoughts about that scene, what it means to you… or on anything else you'd like to share! Anyway, next up is Nesting Dolls (yay!), Committed, Grave Danger  and a lot of other great episodes.

Have a great day!


	11. A small beginning

**A/N** I'm so sorry, again, for taking so long to post. This chapter was getting way too long, so I decided to split it up. Hope you don't mind, but I think there was a lot of stuff going on at this time, and I couldn't wrap Nesting Dolls up in a couple of sentences. I'm not going to even try to promise to post quickly ever again, because I'm likely to fail. My job seems to get in the way. I can however promise to finish the story! Hope that's enough…

**A/N2** I just want to say a huge THANK YOU to the wonderful _**Butterflywhisper **_for always bringing a fresh take on a scene, and allowing me to see things from a different perspective. I love discussing CSI with you!

**XXX**

Back at the hotel Sara stood at the window looking out on the people rushing by on the streets below. They all looked like they had somewhere to go, like they knew where they were going… She wished she could feel like that again. Like she knew what she was doing. For so long she had felt like she was a passenger in her own life, drifting by without control over what happened or where she was going. Her only goal had been to escape her past, but the faster she was running the more she could feel it breathing down her neck. Until it had finally caught up with her. So here she was. And the only thing she knew was that she had to find her way back. To herself. To her life. To him… Home.

It was getting late, but she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep for a while yet. So she pulled a beer from the fridge and curled up in the chair by the window again, before once again letting her eyes rest on his familiar handwriting.

_**Feb. 3**__**rd**__** 2005**_

_I've never dared to ask the hard questions before. It's so much easier to let things be, to pretend like you've tried, and to go on…Rationalizations… She had a lot of explanations for what happened, but we both knew none of them were the real reason. It's been there all along. Ever since Kaye Shelton… I've seen how cases like these affect her, and maybe I even asked her once or twice, but I never really gave her a chance to answer… until today. Michael, in The Big Chill, he had a point… I've spent the last 5 years rationalizing. How else could I justify the way I've been treating her. I've had a million excuses, all of them are bullshit. She's too young, I'm her supervisor, she doesn't really want me, I'm doing the right thing…Rationalizations… The truth is that I'm scared to death. That's the simple truth. Fear… it's one of the most basic human emotions. Fear is a survival mechanism. But I'm starting to wonder if the only way I can survive is if I can overcome it. _

_When Catherine told me what had happened I couldn't stop thinking "why?" Why are you doing this…" Ecklie told me to fire her of course, but I needed to hear her side of it. I needed to know why… I don't think I've ever been more terrified than when I was standing there outside her door. When I heard the knock my hand was making and the click of her door opening… I wanted to run. _

_But she let me in, and I asked her why. She told me to leave it alone. A year ago I would have. A year ago I did… before her DUI, I left it alone. I left her alone… It was the biggest mistake of my life. I've been taking the easy way out for too long, and it hasn't done any one of us any good. I've been rationalizing. I'm good at that. I've convinced myself of a lot of things to keep my distance, to not get involved…_

_I wasn't ready for what she told me. I wish I had been prepared. I wish I could have said something to make it better. She's the toughest person I know, and to see her brake down like that… it broke my heart. I would do anything to undo what happened to her, to her family. I think she's afraid people will see her differently if they know. She's afraid I'll see her differently. I don't… She's still Sara, she's still that strong, brilliant, beautiful woman I've always seen when I look at her. What she's accomplished, the woman she's become, she did that all on her own. The odds were against her, but she did it anyway. She didn't have anyone to tell her how great she is, to tell her how smart she is or how beautiful she is. She didn't have anyone to tell her how proud they were of her, to encourage her when she was down or laugh with her when she was happy. She did it anyway…_

_She asked me if I think there's a murder gene… She's the best person I know. I'd trust her with my life… She always tries so hard to do what's right, and she always puts other people first. It breaks my heart that she would even think something like that. She thought it was normal, the fights, the yelling. Why wouldn't she… how could she have known, when that's all she ever saw. Until that day… when her mother killed her father._

_When it comes to Sara, words always seem to fail me. I try so hard to find the perfect thing to say, and by the time I figure it out, the moment has passed me by. I'm too late. But maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe I don't have to say the perfect words. Maybe I just need to tell her that I'm here, that I'm listening… so that's what I did. For the first time since I can remember I was just there for her. We were just Sara and Gil, and there were no expectations or doubts. I held her in my arms when she cried. For a long time I just held her. It was simple… I can't remember the last time anything between us felt simple… _

_I went to Conrad to talk to him about what happened. Catherine was there with him. They wanted to know what I was going to do. When I told them I wasn't firing her he didn't like it, but I don't think he was surprised either. He told me she's a lose cannon with a gun, and that she's "all mine". I guess that's his way of saying that he's counting on her going off the deep-end and taking me with her when she goes down. He doesn't know her at all, and still he finds it so easy to judge her…I'm not a violent man, but when he spoke those words about her, I wanted to hurt him… I don't think I've ever felt anger like that, and I don't know how I managed to let him walk out, but I'm glad I did. I do know that she deserves to have someone stand up for her, and no matter what happens in the future, I'll never regret being that person._

Sara wasn't sure what had made her go off like that. It had all just become too much. She had always told herself that she was dealing with it, that she was fine, that she just needed to focus on work, that it was no big deal. It was in the past… The truth was that she had never really dealt with what happened to her back then. When that social worker took her hand and led her away from it all, she buried it. Deep. And she never spoke of her mother or her father again. Not unless some social worker or psychiatrist made her. And even then, she only told them what she knew they wanted to hear. She learned that early on. The truth, her real thoughts and feelings and fears, she kept them locked up deep inside, never letting anyone come close. Until that day when he finally broke down her walls. When he stopped leaving it alone. She had always been terrified that someone would find out. Because she knew that once they knew, they would never look at her the same way again. She would become that thing that happened to her… When she was in foster care she was the girl whose father was stabbed to death. It became her identity. That's all anyone ever saw looking at her, and after a while she stopped trying to be anything else. She hid, in her books, in her mind, in her own skin. She hid. So when she was finally old enough, when she moved away on her own, she swore no one would ever know. And she became good at keeping secrets… even from herself.

When he came to her apartment that day, she knew he'd been asked to fire her. And she never would have asked him not to. When he asked for an explanation, she did give him rationalizations. He wouldn't have it. He knew what she was doing, and he didn't let her get away with it. She had known he would see that she was making excuses, but she had also counted on him accepting them and letting it go. She expected him to back down, to take the out that she was giving him. Especially after that remark about choosing men who are emotionally unavailable. But not even that scared him off… It was the tone in his voice when he said "it matters to me" that weakened her fences, and it was the look in his eyes when he said "I wanna know why you're so angry" that tore down the last brick in her wall. "My mother killed my father…" With those five words she opened a box that had been buried in her heart for all those years, and gave him a trust she had never given anyone else in her life. And when it was all too much, when she couldn't be strong anymore, he took her hand and gave her his strength. He didn't say much, but she didn't need him to. He was there. He didn't run. And for once, it wasn't the least bit complicated… He was her friend. She told him her deepest darkest secret, and he told her it was going to be okay… And sitting beside him, feeling the warmth of his embrace, for the first time she actually believed that some day it might be… It was the beginning of something more, of a friendship she thought was lost forever.

_**Feb. 10**__**th**__** 2005**_

_It's been a busy week. But we're talking again. Ever since that day last week, it's like things are different. I don't know if it's because of me or if it's because of her… maybe it's the both of us. Maybe I really can change. Sofia said something that got me thinking. "DNA is what we are, not who we are." What we are never changes, but who we are never stops changing. And for the first time, I feel like I'm changing. Sara and I…we… the first shift after I went to her apartment, I called her in the morning when I got home. To check on her, see if she__ was okay… And then after the next shift I did it again. And we've been talking. About things that actually matter. About her past, about our relationship, about what happened to us. I've come to terms with a lot of things lately, and I know that if I'm going to be happy, truly happy, then the first step is to stop lying to myself. I love Sara. I want a relationship with her. And because I've been terrified of how much she makes me feel, I've been protecting myself by pushing her away. I know I have a long way to go, I need to earn her trust back. But this, what we're doing now, it feels like we're healing. Both of us. And I don't know what that means, or where it'll take us. But I know I want to find out. I want our friendship back, and hearing her say that she wants that too, it made me feel like I could fly…She makes me feel that way every day… _

_She came into my office today. I asked her if she's doing okay…She is… She's doing better. I suggested to her the other day that maybe she should see someone, to talk about what happened to her. Help her work through it…She didn't say no, but I know she's scared. I don't know if she'll do it. It has to be her decision, I just want her to know that I'm here for her. And for the first time in years, I think she knows that…_

_Sofia told me she's leaving tonight. I guess I can understand her decision. She was demoted and put on my team against her will. She wasn't treated fairly, not by a long shot, but she's a good CSI. I can't afford to lose another member of my team right now. Not after everything that's happened. So I took her to dinner hoping maybe I could convince her to stay. She didn't agree to anything, but I think maybe she'll stick around a little longer. We'll see…It's ironic… I've been trying to work up the courage to ask Sara to dinner for over 5 years. With Sofia I didn't even think twice about it. Amazing how much easier everything is when there's nothing at stake, nothing to lose. _

Sara couldn't help but smile at his last comment. He'd been trying to work up the courage to ask her to dinner for 5 years… He'd always been shy when it came to her. He still was every now and then, and she loved that side of him. When they met for the first time at the Forensic Academy Conference in San Francisco, she was the one who talked. She was the one with all the questions. She was the one who finally worked up the courage to ask him to dinner. She had never been more nervous, before or after. She had been afraid they wouldn't have enough to talk about, that it would be awkward. It wasn't. It had been easy from the moment she opened the door and received a gift wrapped copy of "The Insects: An Outline of Entomology" by Gullan and Cranston, until he walked her to her door and thanked her for a lovely evening. It was where their relationship started. Their friendship. It was him who suggested they go sightseeing the day before he left town. Sara asked a tourist to take a picture of them in front of the Golden Gate Bridge. It was his camera, but a few weeks after he went back to Las Vegas, a copy dropped down in her mailbox. He had written "So you won't forget me…" on the back. She didn't… Sara rolled over on the bed and took the framed picture from her nightstand. He was so young, they both were. But his eyes were the same, deep blue beautiful eyes. She put the picture down on the pillow next to her and went on…

_**Feb. 17**__**th**__** 2005**_

_This was one of the strangest cases I've had in… quite a while. It was a high profile case, and Catherine wasn't happy when I was called in to supervise. It's been a while since we've worked together. Sometimes I feel like I can't win with her. She was mad at me for not waiting for her with the autopsy. Sofia was there and I just figured there was no point, I could tell her about it later.__ Obviously I was wrong. On top of that someone stole the memory card to her camera, and plastered the pictures of the crime scene all over the news. One of those days… It wasn't her fault. _

_The dead guy was Bruce Eiger. Big shot casino owner. So naturally the press was all over it. When we were processing his office we found a secret door… to his nursery. I guess it's safe to say he led a double life. He liked to dress up and be a baby about once a week. And he had this fantastic secret room. A king size crib, king size diapers, king size toys… King size baby… I've never seen that before. I've heard of it, but never seen it in real life. Fascinating. There's actually a store specializing in these things, I went there with Nick. The "Forever Baby Store". I can't help but wonder what this guy was thinking, how terrified he must have been that his secret would be exposed… _

_After we closed the case I went out to dinner with Catherine. Brass joined us too. I've missed her. I've missed working with her, and I enjoyed working this last case with her. It's not something I'd normally tell her, but tonight, I did. If I'm going to change, I might as well do this right. And she deserves to hear it. It hasn't been easy for her. I know she's struggling with Lindsey, and the new hours haven't exactly made things better. But she'll be alright. She always lands on her feet…_

It wasn't a case you'd forget… ever. And Sara hadn't. It had been a strange case. She also remembered working with Sofia. They were on the same shift, so it wasn't the first time, but it was the first time she saw her as something more than an outsider and a threat. They actually had fun, and as hard as it was to admit, it was becoming harder and harder not to like her. Sara could see that Sofia was as surprised by it as herself. It was a turning point for them, and even if they'd never become close friends, they found a mutual respect for one another.

_**Feb. 24**__**th**__** 2005**_

_There are a lot of different conventions in Las Vegas. I remember the last time one of them had a fatal outcome. Rocky Racoon. This was a little different. It was the APAPSP_ _convention The_ "_Association to Promote_ _Acceptance of_ _Plus_-_Sized_ _People". A guy named Maurice Hudson was found dead in his hotel bed at the Tangiers. Cause of death was compression asphyxia, and there was a huge sweat stain on the sheet. It was an accident… The girl was dead drunk and passed out on top of him. Sara told me the woman said she would rather go to jail for murder than to be some comedians' punch line. I can't blame her. The constant jokes, the looks, the whispering behind your back. Being overweight is not socially acceptable in this country. It's like it's okay to make fun of a big person, like for some reason they deserve it. Because they chose to be that way. It's not that easy. But I guess some people will always be looking for someone to put down, just so they can feel better about themselves. _

_I found Greg in the break room looking at a catalogue with big girls. He said he wanted to see what it was all about. He also asked me what gets my juices flowing… Attraction is subjective. I told him what I want is someone who doesn't judge me. I'm not sure it was the answer he was looking for, but it's the truth. I want someone who accepts me for who I am, faults and all. Someone who doesn't want to change me, but who makes me want to be a better person. I've only met one person in my life that makes me feel that way. She's never judged me, even when I was at my worst. To me she's the most beautiful woman in the world. Inside and out…And someday I'm going to tell her that._

_**March 10**__**th**__** 2005**_

_We had breakfast together after shift this morning, at her place. I've enjoyed spending time with her these last weeks. We're getting to know each other again. I love being around her, and at the same time it's getting harder and harder. I know I have a lot to make up to her, that I have to earn her trust again, but every time we'__re close all I want to do is put my arms around her and whisper in her ear how much I love her… I don't know how long I can hide my feelings for her…But I don't want to rush this. When we're together I never want the moment to end, but it always does, and I have to go home to my empty apartment. It's strange how right it feels to be with her…When I'm with her there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be. She feels… like home…_

_There's one good thing about the shift changes; I get to work with Sara a lot more. It was Sara and Greg who cracked the case, and in the end it was Sara's idea who gave us a confession. She was the one who though if it, putting a wire in a suitcase identical to the flight attendant's, making the hotel manager think we'd searched his car and found it. It worked… He took the bait and talked his way straight to jail. _

"Breakfast at my place…", Sara thought to herself. They had started a tradition that morning. She provided eggs and OJ, and he always brought some fresh fruit and bagels. He made omelets and she set the table. Then they talked, about the ongoing case, about their co-workers, and every now and then, about themselves… Then he said goodbye, and "I'll see you tonight", and she went to sleep thinking about him. Wondering if he did the same… It started that morning, and when he knocked on her door the next morning as well, she had smiled and welcomed him in. He continued coming over, and the routine was the same… "Until that morning" she though to herself, thinking back to the night that changed everything, and the Sunday morning that followed…

Sara fell asleep on the hotel bed that night, a slight smile dancing across her lips…

**TBC**

**XXX**

**A/N ****3** Up next is the last part of season 5, which includes Committed and Grave Danger. And we all know that's when it all happens, right?? Reviews are always welcomed!


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